Welcome And Guest Introduction

Host Tea 0:01

Hey you. Welcome to The Dating Chit. A space designed to help you move beyond assumptions and guesswork. So you can date and love with clarity and confidence. I'm your host, Tea. Today's guest is someone I truly adore. My friend, Pie. She's a mom of two boys, a nurse who spent 16 years helping others through some of life's most vulnerable moments. And a woman who's been with her husband for 25 years. In this episode, Pie gets honest about the relationship crisis that changed the way she sees love. We talk about the lessons she's learned the hard way, the simple things most couples forget to do, how to communicate without spiraling, and how to stay kind in the middle of hard conversations. She also shares how to know when a guy is wasting your time, what really creates lasting intimacy, and why knowing your partner's past actually matters more than you think. Pie doesn't hold back. Whether you're single, married, raising kids, or somewhere in between. And if you have ever wondered how some people make it work and stay emotionally connected for the long haul, this one is for you. Let's dive in. Okay, Pie. Let's do this. Hi, Tea. Hi. Hi. Thank you so much for being so patient. Oh, any time for you, girl. I'd like you to just briefly introducing who you are to our audience from your voice.

Speaker 1:42

Well, I'm Pie and I'm 43 years old.

The Work Of Long-Term Love

Speaker 1:47

You're so transparent about your age. Yeah, I know. I have to be. I think when you're at this age, you just have to kind of learn how to accept it and enjoy it for what it is. So I'm 43. I am a mother of two, which I'm really proud of. My eldest is 21. He's about to turn 22 years old.

Host Tea 2:08

That's incredible.

Speaker 2:09

February. And my youngest one is 16. How long have you been married? I've been married to my husband for 14 years now, but we've been together for about 25 years.

Host Tea 2:21

That's very interesting. You went out for a long time and then you got married.

Speaker 2:25

Yes. I think we waited. We've been together for 25 years. So I've spent half of my life with him and I plan to continue that. That's a good news. I can't ask for anything more. Is that an announcement to him? I think it's an announcement to myself or a reminder. When you've been together with somebody for a long time, it's good to have a reminder for yourself. How beautiful. I'm jealous of that.

unknown 2:50

No.

Speaker 2:50

25 years together with a one same person. It's not easy. It's a lot of work. I think a lot of people don't realize how hard of a work it is. It's an investment.

Host Tea 3:01

Okay. What do you consider is the biggest investment as a woman into this relationship?

Self-Knowledge As The First Investment

Speaker 3:08

The biggest investment is getting to know yourself and knowing your wants and needs. Oh. Because if you don't know that, you wouldn't be able to express that to your partner. Because you don't want them guessing. That's what I learned a lot.

Host Tea 3:21

Because that is so important to nurture a healthy relationship. Yes.

Speaker 3:26

Communication. If you are able to communicate with yourself and accept that and getting to know yourself, it makes it easier for you and your partner. And the same thing for your partner too. And I truly believe that. Wow. Wow. That's a very unique insight. Yes. And I think knowing that investment goes up and down. People just think investment is always up, but relationship is up and down. So you invest time and it has to be worth it with that right person. So knowing yourself is a huge thing.

Host Tea 4:02

What made you realize that your partner was a person that worth all your effort investments?

Speaker 4:09

When we had the first child, that's when it made me realize we were already together for about five years. When you bring in a child in the world and then you realize you see how your partner is with your child and his child together, you just get to see like, oh wow. I can see forever with this person. And it's not forever as in like, oh, you know, I don't want to sound corny. It's just like, oh, it's gonna be all like heavens and earth. And no, it's forever I'm willing to withstand everything I can. You know, like as much as I can. Definitely. Not just for me, but for him. And I think some part of that is being selfish. I got to see where, okay, now you've been together for five years, we have a kid now. Okay, my selfishness is gone. How do I spread it around now? What do you mean by that?

Speak To Your Partner Before Friends

Speaker 5:10

I think spreading your selfishness around is like Oh, I see. My selfishness is not just for me. It's for my kids, it's for him too. And not oversharing. I realize not oversharing to everyone is important. Before you overshare, make sure you and your partner talked about it first. That is so huge because if you tell your friends anything, they're always gonna be biased. They're gonna be there for you first. But before you tell your friends the issue and problem, make sure you told your partner already. That's what I'm saying. Communication. So even before that, for me, I would like take a huge pause. I'm like, why did I feel that way? I question myself, like that made me feel very sh*tty. I didn't like that feeling. Why? Yeah, there's so many moments in your relationship like that, right? You're like, you you wonder why. And then you're like, okay. And then I'll take my time. Usually when we're in bed, when it's dark, you don't have to face each other face to face. That's when I usually tell him. Oh, I see. And then I would be like, hey, this made me feel this way. And let me tell you why it made me feel this way, and why I hope you don't repeat it again.

Host Tea 6:24

Okay. I think that's definitely a good action plan. Yep. That means that you really don't need to rush to your girlfriends anymore to talk about.

Speaker 6:33

Because you're think about it, your girlfriends are in the relationship too. Be respectful for them too. I'm gonna talk to you about it though. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. But you already simmered in it to the point you already told yourself. When you really don't have the answer for yourself anymore, you're like, okay, how do I approach this? How do I say it to this person and why? If I can't tell my significant other this part, then we're missing something.

Host Tea 7:00

I totally agree. I have those moments too. Sometimes I will feel nervous, like, how should I bring this up? And what moments and in what way I should approach this topic so that it won't backfire. It won't cause misunderstanding from his end. It's always like this fight internally before you approach that topic. But I think what's important is you know that's one step you must take. Yep. You just have to dive in.

Speaker 7:27

And you always trust relationship. There you go, that trust. And you have to remind yourself he probably did it because he probably didn't know what he did. It's not out of malice. That's true. We don't know the facts. You don't know. Unless we really have a conversation, right? And there it goes. I learned that from a dying patient. She used to tell me, nobody can read each other's mind.

Host Tea 7:50

That's very, very true.

Speaker 7:51

So you're better off just saying it. But the worst can happen if you say it. You fight and you argue, but there was a conversation with it.

Host Tea 8:00

This is true for any type of relationship. Even for like us, our relationship. I shouldn't be just assume you're guessing. Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 8:08

It's a fake conversation. Because I'm not you. I could never really know for sure. Experiences are different. You can be coming in with this negative feeling at the moment, and you don't want to take that out on your girlfriends.

Trust, Assumptions, And Saying The Hard Thing

Speaker 8:20

No.

Host Tea 8:20

So this is terrible after I do it. Yeah.

Speaker 8:23

So it's it's better be like, hey, are you okay? Approach it in a way you want to get approached.

Host Tea 8:29

Oh, yes. Yes. We should always remind ourselves about that. Yep. And it's like treat others how you want to be treated.

Speaker 8:36

Same thing.

Host Tea 8:37

Yeah.

Speaker 8:38

Or even with my husband and I, I always have this thing of, I don't want to call a girlfriend who's just, I need somebody who's going to be his cheerleader. Let me call that girlfriend. Let me call a girlfriend who's going to be my husband's cheerleader. Because that girlfriend is going to remind me of what a good person he is. He can be annoying, he can be this. But hey, look at the front part of that. He's great. He gives you support. He tells you he loves you. Instead of me just calling another girlfriend, like, you know, I'd be like, hey, da-da-da, this is happening. Then you just complain about your guy together. Right? And then when you complain, what do you think they're going to say? They're going to be like, oh, just leave him. But when you call a friend who is his cheerleader who's seen his good and his bad, that girlfriend is going to tell you, like, hey, let it go. You're being too much, girl. I think most time we need to hear that. That's it. There you go.

Host Tea 9:36

Sometimes you need a girlfriend to tell you sometimes we're too serious about our emotions.

Speaker 9:41

I think that's part of being a woman.

Host Tea 9:43

We're too emotional.

Speaker 9:44

You have that emotional and you hold on to that emotion. And then your brain just starts going a hundred miles per hour. Yes. And then you're like, where did that come from?

Host Tea 9:55

When I was much younger, it's so easy to just let your mind go crazy. It's like, it doesn't even make sense.

Speaker 10:01

It it's the easiest thing to hold on to.

Host Tea 10:04

So this is I think it's much easier for me to be much more intentional and have an internal conversation with myself. Exam my own emotions to like, okay, forget about this. Just move on to whatever's more important.

Speaker 10:18

There it goes. Or there's the saying, it already happened. I can't change it. That's very true. And just talk to him when you when he gets home. When he gets home. Yeah. Prep yourself. But I always say, when you don't tell them what's going on, they won't know. They really won't know. Get a post-it, write it. I'm pissed at you. And this is why. There's no need for a conversation verbally.

Host Tea 10:44

Since when, Anna, what made you become this way?

Speaker 10:47

Having brothers, having especially really close to my twin brother, who's giving me a male perspective. And my career. Seeing dying people could always tell me like, hey, it's never too late,

What Changed After Kids And Maturity

Speaker 11:02

so you're better off just saying it. Find yourself. And I never used to know what find yourself is.

Host Tea 11:08

Yeah. If you don't say it in time, then the problem just accumulates. It's just too late. Yep. It can just keep going on and on and on. And I think that's also the reason caused many divorces, right? Yep. I'm very surprised and I admire all your wisdoms so far about what you think as a married person, what you should be doing in a relationship that make it work. I assume when you were younger, when you first started dating, you weren't like this. You weren't this insightful. You didn't know so much about what to do. No, not at all. Yes.

Speaker 11:49

When we had our second child, me working, being independent, and being surrounded by a lot of other women that helped so much who already had been in their relationship for a long time and getting to know them and learning from them. That's I have to say when I was in 32, 35, that's when I'm like, okay, this is what I want. And these are my goals. And these are the things that I'm hoping for. And these are the things that I know I can achieve internally, emotionally, you know, within myself that I can share with my significant other. I think that's around that time.

Host Tea 12:32

In a nutshell, what were you telling yourself in one sentence?

Speaker 12:36

I was probably telling myself that I want this. I want this to work for me, for him, for my kids, and for the people around me. Then I would go to my parents, I would ask my mom, how did you and dad work this out? What made it work? It was always communication. Tell them you love them.

Host Tea 12:58

What do you think is center of the communication? Because people talk about communication a lot. They're like, oh, what was the issue caused our breakup? Communication, everybody says that.

Speaker 13:07

For me, that's not being judgmental. If I tell you something along the line of I didn't like that, mine is if my partner tells me that I didn't like that, I can't judge them for it, why they didn't like it. That's their feelings. And I have to look at it in the way of like, they're valid on it. And then let me have my validation too. Let me tell you why. So for me, that's what it is. No judgment. Communication without any judgment in there.

Host Tea 13:39

In a way, you're saying like when you're trying to have a conversation with your partner, no matter whose problem it is, first you need to allow the other person to talk. You be a good listener. You're trying to understand with curiosity, right?

Speaker 13:53

Not just good listening. I have to say active listening. You have to be active and intentional about it.

Host Tea 14:01

So you're trying to understand, oh,

Active Listening Without Judgment

Host Tea 14:03

what happened, the why there, what caused them to act this way.

Speaker 14:07

I have to actively listen to make sure I won't repeat it again. And the same thing with my partner. Hey, this is how I feel. If you don't want me to repeat my things, please don't try to repeat the things that you do that pisses me off.

Host Tea 14:24

Throughout your marriage or your entire relationship, did you have to have this type of conversation a lot?

Speaker 14:31

A lot. Because our feelings are so sensitive, right? A whole lot. A lot of crying. A lot of like being in the shower. Um like, am I doing this? And a lot of questioning.

Host Tea 14:43

It's all because you never really truly understand each other, right? And also along the individual involvement, like you are like this new person again. You have to learn them all over again, right? So it's always constantly adjusting and understanding and learning. Yeah. It's a lifelong learning. I agree. I see that.

Speaker 15:04

And a lot of mistakes will happen. And you need to be able to accept certain mistakes, and you need to have boundaries to certain mistakes. And being able to verbalize that. You need to verbalize when your partner is crossing a boundary and a hardline boundary to like, hey, this is my hardline boundary. You crossed it. And let me tell you why. And how you crossed it. And it's the same thing for me too, like, hey, if I cross yours, I can't judge you for it. So please tell me. And if I need reminder, remind me.

Host Tea 15:42

When you first met, when you first got to know each other and when you first decide, okay, we are in committed relationship. So from the process of meeting and choosing each other and entering into a committed relationship, what kind of thoughts or advice or input you could share here with especially single women who are still looking and seeking, who met someone just now? Take the leap.

Speaker 16:10

Why not? I always said that I met my husband at a car show. The one thing that I remember the most about him is when we just start dating, is always calling each other on the phone. We would literally be on the phone, talking about nonsense, just to get to know each other. It doesn't happen today.

Host Tea 16:28

Nobody calls each other like that.

Speaker 16:29

I know, and that's what makes me sad. Because you want to hear your partner or the person. You want to date, you want to hear their voice. You want to hear the tone of happiness. So what are you just suggesting here? Call each other, please. FaceTime. Okay, like not just text.

Host Tea 16:48

Text is monotone. Just to tell people, okay, you call each other, but doesn't make people call each other.

Speaker 16:55

You tell them, like, hey, I'm interested in you, and you're interested in me. Why don't we try to call each other every day? Why not? You do that at

Calls Over Texts And Early Dating Habits

Speaker 17:05

work. That's what I'm saying. It's an investment. You invest your time. So the same thing, it's work. You're like, hey, let's call each other every day or every other day.

Host Tea 17:16

That's very nice to call each other every day. But I don't think that should be a formula for every couple. No. I feel the key takeaway over here about calling each other on the phone at the beginning of a relationship might be when you really like someone, you're generally getting to know each other. And you want to have the courage or you want to be spontaneous enough, feel comfortable enough. Like you said, take the leap, just call. Like don't worry about anything and call the person you like. Just see how she's doing or what he's up to. Maybe once in a while even. It doesn't have to be like every day. And eventually it builds up a dynamic.

Speaker 17:52

There's this thing that they call habit forming. It takes about 21 days to you to form that habit. Imagine if you can just give 21 days to somebody you actually enjoy and like, just to leave a voice memo. Hey, I hope you're doing okay. You don't have to talk to each other right away. Or just leave a voicemail and tell them the same thing. Tell them like, hey, I would really appreciate if I hear your voice. Doesn't necessarily have to be every day, but it would be nice just to hear your voice. Instead of hi, hello, here's a text, here's a message.

Host Tea 18:30

So did you do this and at what stage of your relationship?

Speaker 18:32

Oh, we were doing it all the time.

Host Tea 18:34

I grew up Not when you first met.

Speaker 18:36

Oh when we first met.

Host Tea 18:38

We first met that You were just calling him and leaving messages like that. He was calling me. Exactly. Yes, he was calling me. I'm like, girl, no girls should be doing that.

Speaker 18:48

That's why I I tell a lot of women is like, hey, put it out there already. Like, hey, I'm looking for somebody who's straightforward with me. This is what I want. Please let me know what you want. Cause if you don't, if you're not gonna match the way my energy is and I'm willing to give, let's not waste each other's time. If you're in a part of your life where you wanna be in a relationship already, you need to be able to say it straightforward. That's what I'm saying. Find yourself, find your comfort. Go on as many dates as you want. Why not? But once you really find a person you like, you're like, okay, I vibe with this person. This might be the person that I can see myself in talking to maybe three times a day. You know, you don't, or like, I don't know, every day, right? Or I can text, but if you see yourself with that person, let them know already. Should be like, yo, I'm not messing around. Don't waste my time. Yeah, I can see myself like I like you. I like you. Don't waste my time. Yes. So there it goes. Because I can't get my time back. Sorry, time is super important. Okay.

Host Tea 19:57

Especially for us girls.

Speaker 19:59

Not just for women. I think for everyone. People don't realize how short time is. Well, yes.

Host Tea 20:06

Time is precious for everyone. It's precious. But I will still have to emphasize, especially for women.

Speaker 20:10

Yes. Biologically. Yes. So just say it. Just be like, hey, I enjoy seeing you.

State Your Intentions And Protect Your Time

Speaker 20:16

This is our third date. If you know I'm looking for somebody, I've been swiping, I don't know how many dates I've gone. I like you. So if you like me, let's not mess around. This is what I want. Please let me know what you want. Let's see. Yes.

Host Tea 20:32

I agree with that one. I think laying out exactly what you're looking for before you dive into deeper a relationship that's responsible for yourself and also gives clarity to a person and gives a chance for the person to tell you what's going on. It opens up a door of communication. Yes, I agree. Yes. Because that means you guys both to go home to whoever. Because that guy might not be looking for the same thing. And if you don't open that conversation, you never really have straightforward communication on that topic. Then you might be going out getting to know somebody who wants different things. That's a waste of time.

Speaker 21:13

Or and if you don't tell them in their head, just be like, well, she didn't say anything. Yeah. I can just keep going out on as many days as I want.

Host Tea 21:21

Yes. So you That's a valuable advice for us girls. Yeah.

Speaker 21:24

So just tell them, be straightforward. Hey, if they say no, that's not what I want, just be like, okay, bye.

Host Tea 21:30

Through our conversation so far, what's important in relationship from your end? Strike me as communication is center everything, and it's about not to be afraid to open the conversation in the right time. Yep. And not be judgmental about it.

Speaker 21:46

That's it. Communication, don't be judgmental.

Host Tea 21:49

That is number one thing in a relationship? For me and what I've noticed. What is number two most important thing after that?

Speaker 21:57

You have to have some kind of connection. And if you want your relationship to work, you have to be sexually attracted to your partner. Because sex is important.

Host Tea 22:08

Intimacy. You're saying you need to constantly work on that to make

Intimacy, Attraction, And Keeping The Spark

Host Tea 22:12

sure it's always interesting. Yep. Learn their love language. Like throughout your relationship, you don't let it disappear. Don't. Don't let that disappear. It is it on top of the priority list.

Speaker 22:25

Yes. It has to be.

Host Tea 22:27

Should I say that when a couple loses connection physically, you will also draw them apart emotionally easily. Was that your experience? Did you have a moment like that?

Speaker 22:39

We did have a moment like that. You know, having kids. Yes. Oh my god.

Host Tea 22:44

You lose yourself. You lose everything. Kids are most important, right?

Speaker 22:48

Because it's like my kids first, my kids first. And this is what I learned from my mom. Your kids are gonna grow up. They're gonna leave you. Okay, let me guess.

Host Tea 22:57

That was a moment you actually realized, oh no, I'm losing my relationship with my husband.

Speaker 23:04

Because I'm forgetting about him. Yeah. Forgetting about myself.

Host Tea 23:08

Then you're like, oh, I need to figure out what I need to do.

Speaker 23:12

I see. That's what it is. Yeah. And then my mom would just remind me, like, hey, they're gonna grow up, they're gonna have their own partner. You wanna be a good parent, have a good relationship with your partner.

Host Tea 23:23

I know a friend of mine who got divorced, and then I asked him, What was the reason? And he's like, we both was to swap with our kids and our work to her. I become last on the list, least important. It's for her, it's like kids is number one and her career is number two, and I'm on the bottom of the list. That's what happened to his marriage. It's so easy for many couples to do that because they naturally just swap into their daily activities that prioritizing kids' life.

Speaker 23:56

Yeah, it's the easiest thing to do. Yeah. It can just be like, hey, while he's washing the dishes, while you're cooking, a little bit of touch here and there, a little pat on the butt, a little grab here and there.

Host Tea 24:08

I guess you're telling me that don't forget to appreciate your partner and make sure you're always expressing that appreciation. You have to express it and show it. Even while you're just taking care of kids, going to bed, you can always have that one second time.

Speaker 24:23

Yep. There it goes. You just said it takes a second. Yeah, I know. Just a kiss or a hug. Yeah. I love you. Oh my god, you smell clean today. Seems like you took a shower. It can be, you know, because when you have kids, you forget. You're like, oh my God, you're just taking care of the baby. You forget about yourself. So when your partner tells you, like, hey, babe, you actually look nice, even though you were not, you don't think you're looking nice, but you put yourself together. And then you tell your partner the same thing, like, hey, you look kind of hot today. Even though they're just wearing shorts and a shirt, and you're like, they're gonna say, I look hot, like, yeah. Why not?

Host Tea 25:02

I assume that has to be established

Daily Appreciation Amid Parenting

Host Tea 25:05

on the basis that you're actually attracted to each other.

Speaker 25:08

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You have to be attracted to each other physically and emotionally.

Host Tea 25:14

In your perspective, what do you think in this day and age, when women are looking for a long-term partner, what qualities are really important that they should really pay attention in seeking?

Speaker 25:28

That's gonna be hard because every woman sees qualities differently, like what they want from a partner. Hypothetically, if we say I'm 35, I already have a career, I'm financially independent, the qualities that I would want for a guy is the same thing. I want somebody who's financially independent, who can put in the time. Quality is time for me.

Host Tea 25:51

I don't know if you have heard this. There are women out there, they're very critical about certain criteria about man that to me really don't matter, but to them matters so much about like how tall this guy needs to be. Like this guy has to be 6'2. I feel like that's a lot to ask because that's represent the population in America.

Speaker 26:13

Yeah, I mean, what is six two gonna do for you when 6'2 doesn't show up in the bed because 6'2 is with someone else? Do you think that makes sense for some type of woman? No, I don't think it should make sense uh to be truthful. No, because I can be with somebody 6'2, 6'3, and you didn't give the guy that's 5'6, 5'7 who can treat you better. A lot of women forget there are short guys who would probably treat you much better. Is that because they're shorter? Maybe it's because they know they're shorter. So they know that they can give love. They know that I'm like, okay, I'm not as tall as this dude. I'm not as handsome, but I can give way more.

Host Tea 26:57

What do you say to a woman who set their standard so high?

Speaker 27:02

Yeah. On that one front. Tone it down. Because that guy too can say, hey, I want somebody that's 5'10

Standards, Height Myths, And Real Attraction

Speaker 27:12

as a woman. Because I want athletic kids. You might not be it, but you're so cool.

Host Tea 27:18

And you also kind of mention about, aside from height, the looks, right, about a man. Yes. You also think that really it doesn't matter.

Speaker 27:28

I think you should be attracted to the person you want to be with. Yes. Attraction is huge. You have to be attracted to them. But as a single woman, that doesn't mean that it should be so high up on the list, too.

Host Tea 27:43

I think a lot of people, not just the women, the kind of imagining are not really in touch with reality. What attraction should be, like what qualities or what basis will create attractions. They think the appearances are so critical to attraction, which I really disagree. No, I totally like a good-looking man. I don't feel attraction.

Speaker 28:09

There you go. So attraction can be one small thing. It can be, oh my god, they have nice eyes.

Host Tea 28:16

And also a lot about the energy of the person. And behind that energy is like the entire history and background of the person.

Speaker 28:25

And the more you get to know a person, the more attractive they get.

Host Tea 28:28

That's true. But I can also resonate. It's hard to feel excited about a regular guy who is only 5'8.

Speaker 28:35

Yeah. But think about it, as you're a good-looking woman, you're attractive. Would you want to be with somebody that's more attractive than you? Is that a question for me?

Host Tea 28:44

Yes, yes. That has never been important to me. I have never really took that as a measurement in like deciding whether this person should be my boyfriend or not. It's more about that charm, that energy that brings out from the person that attracts me instead of just the looks or hot tokies. I don't really care about that much.

Speaker 29:05

That's what I tell a lot of single women when they ask me things. Oh, okay. Yes, when they ask me, I would be upfront. I'm like, hey, how would you feel if your partner is more attractive than you?

unknown 29:15

Oh.

Speaker 29:16

And they don't know how to answer it. Because I would have to tell them. I'm like, okay, you are with somebody who's attractive. You're attracted to them. How many women do you think that would be attracted to them too?

Host Tea 29:26

That's so interesting because actually no one asked me that before and I never had this conversation before.

Speaker 29:32

Yes. So I love it when a lot of women's like, oh, I want somebody that's like this, who looks like this, who dresses like this, who's easy to look at. And I'm like, yeah, imagine how many women feel the same way. Are you ready for that kind of competition? You can be the most confident person in the world. But when your significant other is super attractive, you gotta be super confident.

Host Tea 29:57

Yeah, extremely confident. Yes.

Speaker 29:59

To the point like you have to be delusional a little bit. Because that's something you have to deal with.

Host Tea 30:04

No matter where you go, there will be interest.

Speaker 30:07

Yes. And as a woman, you're like, oh yeah. Not like for men, right?

Money Expectations, Support, And Timelines

Speaker 30:12

For a man, when they're with somebody this attractive, and a lot of guys go up to their women, they feel proud. It's the proudness of like, yeah, that's my girlfriend. Oh yeah, that's my wife. But for a lot of women, you're like, who's that? Why did she come up to you? Why did you talk to her?

Host Tea 30:31

I do think that that might be very true about the difference between man and woman.

Speaker 30:36

Because for guys, it's always proudness, like, oh my god, yes, my wife and my girlfriend is hot. But you know, for a woman, you're like, why did you talk to that teller? Why did you talk to the registered person? Why did she help you?

Host Tea 30:52

What other topics or question raised between your conversation with your other single girlfriends?

Speaker 30:58

Oh, it's that. You're like, I want this from a person. I want that from a person. I want them to be making at least $200,000, $300,000 a year. And my comeback is like, how much do you make? Because if you want somebody to give you that and you can't give them the same thing, then you know, you want to equalize it.

Host Tea 31:21

So you're saying men and women should be financially equal?

Speaker 31:24

I'm not saying financially equal, but you have to look at it in a way of like what you're asking for is you need to be able to provide too. People forget reality. People can get hurt, people can get sick, people can get fired. How are you gonna take it? Because there's a lot of women, the moment their partner gets fired, they end up breaking up with them. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. They're like, well, he's not, he can't provide me this anymore, so I need to break up with him. And you're like, wait, but he's great on everything else, right? You just can't support now. You can't just be like, hey babe, I got you.

Host Tea 32:00

You're not talking about women should be making so much more than that. No, because of sunset. Oh no. You're just saying you should be there for each other.

Speaker 32:08

You should be there. Because it's so much easier to say that, but when you really look at it, I've seen and heard a lot of women that question it, like, oh my god, he's not gonna make this amount, should I stay? They start questioning. What do you say about that? I think my comment on that part is like, hey, really think about why you're with that person from the beginning. Because they forget why they're with that person for the beginning and what made them enjoy that person from the beginning.

Host Tea 32:39

I think it's really hard to speak for everyone under this type of unexpected scenario, right? Yes, yes. A lot of people lose jobs temporarily. When they have an ability, they're always able to do something to make income. Just because you lose a job doesn't mean you should just be sitting around, first of all. There's so many ways to make money today.

Speaker 32:58

So that's what I like when you say you you have to be more intentional. When you're more intentional with the partner you're with, when you lose a job or what, you know they're gonna be there for you. That is the kind of security you want from a partner.

Host Tea 33:12

Yeah, I don't blame any woman would make a decision of leaving a guy who, you know, after losing a job for a while and he's still not able to produce anything...

Non‑Negotiables: Abuse, Infidelity, Disrespect

Host Tea 33:22

That's... I think that's the difference. This person is either super negative or just does not have ability to survive. And I don't think I want to be with a person who cannot survive in today's society.

Speaker 33:35

Yeah, so that's why you want a timeline.

unknown 33:37

Yeah.

Speaker 33:40

Definitely timeline. Let's have a timeline. Let's have like, hey, what is the plan?

Host Tea 33:44

Being there for each other is very human. Yes. It's a responsibility of being a partner, right?

Speaker 33:49

But it's that timeline of like, for how long am I gonna take care of this person? It's been a year, two years, and they start getting comfortable of not working anymore, and you're like, well, this is too much. Sh*t happens. Sh*t happens. A lot of it happens. Yes, you know, like up and down, right? That's life. Suddenly you're like, I can't do this work anymore, I need a sabbatical, I don't I don't know if , you question yourself.

Host Tea 34:17

Yeah, she wants to be... And we need support from our spouse when a moment like that occurs.

Speaker 34:23

And there it goes. It's the support and the understanding.

Host Tea 34:28

Yeah.

Speaker 34:28

You know, I'm not expecting a woman to make the same amount.

Host Tea 34:31

No, but don't walk way way too easy, so you lose your happiness. Is that your message?

Speaker 34:36

Yes.

Host Tea 34:37

What are the three non-negotiables you would recommend singles to get clear on?

Speaker 34:43

Non-negotiable God. Infidelity is non-negotiable. Infidelity for single people. If a partner cheats on you, it should be non-negotiable, not unless if you're willing to like stand on it. Meaning it's not just gonna Just completely forget about it, right? Yeah. Don't be like, oh, give me another chance. It's too much work. Believe me, it's workable. You can work it. But are you ready for that? And it's really hard for the other person to move on from that. It's always gonna be in the back of your head.

Host Tea 35:16

Okay. What are the second one?

Speaker 35:19

Second one, non negotiable. I have to say disrespect. If you disrespect me, that disrespect of meaning when you're out in a family and they just scream at you, curse you out, or around your friends. Once you remind them I don't appreciate that, that's my boundaries, and they cross it again, non-negotiable.

Host Tea 35:43

I agree with that. When you just starting a new relationship, when you start getting to know each other, sometimes it's easy to feel disrespected. However, their behaviors might be unintentional. Yes. And uh totally did not know that has an impact like that. So I think before making a conclusion, oh, this person is really disrespecting me,

Know Their Past And How They Fight

Host Tea 36:05

I think the smart way to do is have an open conversation. Yeah. Let them know and then put a boundaries on that. Like, these are my boundaries. It's more like when you do this, I feel disrespected. Yes. I think after a process of getting to know each other, then you know what triggers the other person better, then you can decide. Yep.

Speaker 36:27

And physical abuse, that is non-negotiable. Oh yeah. That is terrible. Non-negotiable. I put that on last because people sometimes they don't want to say it. Oh my God. Once you put a hand on a person, it's non-negotiable.

Host Tea 36:43

I know. It's really sad. I think I did read a report. There's data showing like domestic violence. Oh. It's high. It's like super high number. Yep. To make conclusion on this one, the question just answered. So number one is infidelity. Infidelity. Number two is disrespect.

Speaker 37:02

I would have to put it in in a ranking, right? Okay. Sure. On top of my list. So let's stay in the bottom. Disrespecting. Is number? Let me say that's in the lower part. Okay. Because you can communicate that. And then the infidelity. Because some people they can work through infidelity. A lot of counseling. A lot of hard work. I'm not saying people can't, but one's my top of my list, it's that physical abuse. When you touch a person already physically and they don't want that. That's a hard note. That is a hard I agree. For not just a man, a woman, everyone. It's a hard note.

Host Tea 37:39

I did hear a t heory behind it saying when a person does that once, they will always do it again.

Speaker 37:45

It keeps going. That's why when you get into a relationship too, you want to know your partner's past, not just their past, their family's past.

Host Tea 37:53

Because that's a part of domestic violence, right? What about emotional abuse? Because that's also the other type of domestic violence. Is that on the same level as you're mentioning?

Speaker 38:03

Yes, because that's what I'm saying, the boundaries, the disrespect. Because that is verbal abuse. Once they get used to that verbally disrespecting you, it just gets worse.

Conflict Scripts: Talk Like You’re At Work

Speaker 38:15

And once they know they're like, I can do this, let me try infidelity. And then let me try to hit them. There's stages of it. It's depressing to think about that. Yeah, but it happens. That's why you wanna get to know your partner. If you're gonna marry a person, you wanna know.

Host Tea 38:32

How long should a couple get to know each other before they get engaged?

Speaker 38:37

Not that long. It always depends on the experience a person has gone through. The timeline's based on how their relationship has been evolving. Evolving, yeah. The only person that can answer that is you or the person that's in a relationship. I've known people who gone engaged but in a month and they were together for 50 something years. That's what I'm saying. In my case, it took my husband and I ten years before we decided we're like, okay, this is it, this is what we want. This is what I want. Ten years a long time. Yeah. So that's what I'm saying, you know. Some people between almost ten years. That's our answer. Some people do it backwards. Like you have kids first, you move in first.

Host Tea 39:15

So it's, Yes, I know, right? There are so many varieties. It's so different.

Speaker 39:19

So there is no timeline. I do know though, like you don't want to get married to someone where you haven't had an argument with them. You want to see them mad. You want to see how they respond to you when you guys are angry, and you wanna see how they are with their family.

Host Tea 39:35

Oh my god.

Speaker 39:36

I totally resonated with that. Mm-hmm. You need that before you want to get engaged or get married.

Host Tea 39:41

Yeah, if when you have a fight and that feeling before you really have a conversation about it is like so nervousing, you're like, oh, this is not gonna work out. We're gonna break up. And you just feel terrible about it. But once you talk about it and you get through that conversation and you still know we care about each other, we love each other, that feeling just makes the relationship much stronger. There it goes. That's it's so beautiful. Yep.

Speaker 40:07

And that's all you need. It's just like after that first disagreement, after that first fight, and you see how you guys react towards each other, you start imagining, okay, how many of this can I go through with this person? If you're seeing your head, like, I'm willing to fight and argue with this person for a very long time. Okay, maybe. You know, me when I make my husband mad, I do say it. I'm like, hey, I'm sorry. My husband also knows that when I'm pissed, I don't talk. And then he would be the first one to text, like, hey, what's happening?

Speaker 2 40:41

What's happening?

Speaker 40:42

Are you okay? Did I do anything wrong? And when a guy asks you, did I do anything wrong? Please don't tell them. You should know. They don't know. That's what they're asking. Yeah, I know they don't. They don't know. Their brain works a different way.

Host Tea 40:58

Yeah.

Speaker 40:58

It 's just, It's so funny. It's just a different way.

Host Tea 41:02

Back to the same topic and just never be afraid to just speak out your mind, right?

Speaker 41:06

Yep. And you don't have to say it meanly. You can say it nicely. I tell my husband when we argue, when I don't like the way he comes at me, I always have this thing of: please talk to me like if I'm your boss

Ten Relationship Reminders And Closing CTA

Speaker 41:20

at work. No, because if you think that's a good thing. That's a very good tip, thank you. It's because they would not speak to their boss a certain way. Like, hey, you're not gonna raise your voice to your boss. You're gonna get fired, right? Or they're gonna tell you, go to HR. So for me as a reminder, like, hey, I don't like that tone. I'm gonna remind this, please go stop. Talk to me like I'm your boss at work.

Host Tea 41:44

Are you saying that you also, when you talk to him, you talk to him as he's your boss at work?

Speaker 41:49

Yeah, if I know I'm pissed off and I just want to scream, I take a step back. I'm like, okay, I might get fired. HR might come at me. I might get a call. How am I gonna like, you know? So it could be a text.

Host Tea 42:03

This might be the most practical tips you offered today.

Speaker 42:06

Why not, right? I'm like, let me write this on a post-it.

Host Tea 42:11

I think this experience you had, it's just such a good advice for any stage of relationships. It's more like you two trying to resolve a conflict together. You should be a team. You shouldn't be like talking, treating each other long. Yeah, it's not never about that. No. It's more about like, hey, what's going on between us? Like, let's talk aloud and let's solve this together, type of things. You should always be kind to each other.

Speaker 42:36

That's why I'm always saying it's an investment. Okay? It's an investment of like if that was your CEO or that's your investor. Talk to me as if I'm your investor, because I'm investing my time in you.

Host Tea 42:49

Relationship is hard, but with the right person, everything's worth it.

Speaker 42:54

It's worth it. Yes, it's so worth it.

Host Tea 42:57

I think we did well.

Speaker 42:59

I think we did well.

Host Tea 43:01

Pie, thanks for joining me today.

Speaker 43:03

Oh, you're very welcome and thanks for inviting me. I look forward to the next recording.

Host Tea 43:08

Me too. Before we wrap, let's sit with a few truths Pie shared today. Here are 10 relationship reminders worth carrying with you. Number one, love is a time investment. Healthy relationships don't grow by accident. They grow by intention. Number two, know yourself, know your needs, and express them clearly. Self-awareness and honest expressions are the foundation of real connection. Number three, communication is not venting, it's understanding without judgment. Timing, tone, and kindness matter just as much as words. Number four, if you don't say it, your partner won't know. We cannot expect emotional mind reading in love. Number five, ask instead of assuming. Clarity saves more relationships than imagination ever will. Number six. Choose wisely who you talk to about your relationship. Protect your bond by sharing with people who support both of you. Number seven. Set boundaries, non-negotiables, and timelines. Love needs a structure to stay healthy. Number eight, attraction isn't just about looks. It's about emotional safety and equality. Number nine, want to be a great parent someday. Build a great partnership first. Number ten. Relationships are hard. But with the right person, they're worth every effort. And maybe the biggest lesson of all, be kind in conflict, be clear in love. And don't be afraid to choose yourself while choosing someone else. Thank you for spending time with us today. If you enjoyed this conversation, hit subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who would appreciate it. Or that one friend who needs a reminder of these truths we just shared today. If this episode brought you value, you're always welcome to take me out for virtual coffee at buymeacoffee.com/the dating chit. It helps keep the mics on and I truly appreciate the support. And if you or someone amazing you know would be a great guest for this show, you will find the application link in the show notes too. That's it for now. Thanks again for tuning in to this episode of The Dating Chit. I'm your host, Tea. Until next time, keep showing up. Stay kind, stay curious, and never settle for less than the love you truly deserve.