Clear Intentions And Meet-Cute At Church

Host Tea 0:01

Hey you. Welcome to The Dating Chit, a space designed to help you move beyond assumptions and guesswork, so you can date and love with clarity and confidence. I'm your host, Tea Today's guest is Steve. Late 40s, rounded and refreshingly clear about love. He calls his wife the 'jackpot'. And their story is about intention, timing, and choosing partnership on purpose. They dated for four years, have been happily married for four and a half and chose not to have kids. So the relationship stays first. In this episode, Steve shares how he met his wife. The second thing that mattered. How he handled uncertainty. What happened when he lost his job early in dating and the honest conversations he had around love, sex, boundaries, and conflict. If you're dating, married, or still believing love, curious about what actually builds a happy, lasting relationship from a man who truly lives it. I think Steve's story might stay with you. Let's get into it. Well, I'm so excited to have you here.

Speaker 1:19

I'm excited too. Thank you for having me.

Host Tea 1:21

So when I first asked you, you didn't hesitate too much to say yes.

Speaker 1:26

Yeah. I love this topic. I love talking about relationships. I love talking about my marriage. I'm happy to go into that. I can talk about dating before I got married, whatever topic is top of mind.

Host Tea 1:39

I love that.

Speaker 1:40

So you sound like someone who's super proud of your marriage. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm super lucky. I met the right woman. It took me a long time to meet her. We met later in life, and I was getting to a point when I was frustrated. I was single. I was using all the dating apps. Oh, you were. Interesting.

Host Tea 1:59

Okay.

Speaker 1:59

You went through that as well. I went through that as well. No shame. I mean, I looked at it as I wanted to cast as wide a net as possible to try to find the right person. I knew that I was getting to a stage in life when I was ready to find, you know, something more meaningful, something more fulfilling. And I didn't want to date casually anymore. And then I met my wife at church. And so she was on my ushering team. I remember years ago when I was either in my late 20s or early 30s, I have a buddy from high school that I reconnected with. And him and his wife at the time were telling me when you meet the right person, it just feels different. And so I kind of adopted that mentality. And I I had heard it before, but it hit home when I heard it from a good friend. And it is true, you know, when I met my wife, it just felt different from the beginning. Like we just wow, just the moment you saw her, it was different. It was different. Yeah. I mean, um, she has the look that I go for, she's a very attractive girl. And then when I met her, she just made it easy. Like we just communicated so well. And then she's very affectionate, you know. So that was something that I felt like in past relationships I kind of had to drag it out. But she just, it comes natural to her.

Host Tea 3:10

Wow. Well, congratulations.

Speaker 3:12

Thank you.

Host Tea 3:13

Before we learn more about your story, I'd love to have you to tell our audience about who you are, what's going on with you, all of that things.

Speaker 3:22

Yeah,

Dating Apps, Readiness, And First Spark

Speaker 3:23

Okay. So I'm Steve Young. I'm a 47-year-old male. I live in Redwood City, California. I've been married for four and a half years. I've been with my wife for eight and a half years. We were supposed to get married in 2020, but COVID came along and kind of forced our hand to delay a little bit. So we had to postpone our wedding a whole year. But now we've been married for four and a half years. We're happily married. We're getting to the point where we're starting to think about what's next for us. I don't think children are in the cards for us. In fact, I can say confidently that they're not, just because we've kind of passed the age point where it would be safe for her.

Host Tea 3:58

Oh, okay. How old is she?

Speaker 4:00

She's a a few years older than me.

Host Tea 4:02

Okay, that's cool.

Speaker 4:03

Yeah.

Host Tea 4:03

Okay. So when you started dating, you didn't think the age difference was an issue.

Speaker 4:08

I didn't know how old she was. I didn't think age was an issue to answer your question, no, but I didn't know exactly how old she was when we first met. And I don't think I found out until we had been together for maybe four or five months.

Host Tea 4:20

That's so interesting.

Speaker 4:21

Yeah. I just like my parents always raised me that it's impolite to ask a lady her age. And so I didn't really want to ask her. Of course, I was curious and I wanted to make sure we were age appropriate, but she knew how old I was and she didn't balk at it. And I mean, I don't know, you can tell when someone's your contemporary. I knew there wasn't a vast gap in age.

Host Tea 4:40

So I think it is still very unusual for a couple to have age difference. Like woman will be like a little older than men. It's a little bit unusual. So when you eventually found out her age, what went through your mind?

Speaker 4:54

Well, so good question. So for my entire adult life, I always wanted children, or at least a child. And when I met my wife, she was already of an age where she wasn't sure that it was a good idea to pursue having children anymore. There are studies that show that the later in life that women conceive their downstream effects to the child. And so she had already grown comfortable to the notion of not having children. But for me, I went into the relationship just thinking like, well, we met at church, we're both Christian, and we take our faith serious. So we both thought like, if it's God's will, if God has it in the cards for us, then it is to be. So that was my mentality. And now, I mean, we've both grown comfortable with the idea of not having children. We'll have a nice retirement and you know, we get to travel.

Host Tea 5:39

Wow, that's awesome. It's nice to hear that. Sounds like everything just falling to its right places.

Speaker 5:44

I hope so. I think so too. I hope you're right.

Host Tea 5:47

So should I say that in general, you were not really concerned about the difference about your age. And the only element there was like, could she have a children type of thing.

Speaker 5:57

Yeah, it's funny. I mean, the age has been such a non-sequitur for us for so many years now that it's I'm like, I have to like take myself back to when we first started dating eight and a half years ago. But yeah, I was never too worried about it. I think that again, I could tell she was old enough. You know, it wasn't like she was in her 20s or something, and I was in my 30s, my late 30s at that point. As far as I was concerned, we were two consenting adults of similar age. Yeah, age wasn't much of a concern.

Host Tea 6:25

So I have a just one last follow-up question on this age and kids issue because that's a huge big deal, right? For women. And a lot of women today, they freeze their eggs are trying their way, right? To make sure they're

Age, Kids, And Values Alignment

Host Tea 6:40

not risking the idea of not be able to have children later, right? So when you met your wife, what was your idea about kids?

Speaker 6:50

I know I definitely wanted children at the time. Okay. I feel like when I was single, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Or like maybe that's not quite that describes so many people. You know, it's funny. That that same married couple that that told me that when you meet the right person, it just feels different. They also told me that every single day that you are married, you wake up and you decide to be married. You know, it's like you have to work at it and stuff like that.

Host Tea 7:13

That's very true.

Speaker 7:14

Yeah. I think I took that mindset into my relationships of like, well, I have to work at this relationship if I want to make it work. And it just felt different when I met my wife. It didn't feel like I had to work as hard. Like we just we fit each other better. You had a language between you two. Yeah, we just understood each other. I remember our very first date. So I'm a huge basketball fan. And um, we went to a a bar to watch a Warriors playoff game. Okay. That may not sound very romantic, but when I first met her, she told me that she was a huge Warriors fan herself. Oh, wow. And I gave her a couple of options for what we should do on our first date, and that was the one she picked. So I was like, cool, like right now. Oh, that's a very cool. Yeah. So we went to this bar and we're sitting at the bar, and the game's on the TV above the bar. And we didn't watch one minute of it. I mean, we sat there, we were chit-chatting the whole time, conversation just flowed. It was very natural. She made it easy. I mean, it wasn't in my single days, I would go into a date, like having a few questions I wanted to ask and stuff like that, just to try to get to know them. Yeah. And I didn't necessarily want to go into like some of the, I guess like some of the questions that it's not really appropriate to ask on the first date, but I wanted to get to know her. And she just Like what?

Host Tea 8:23

What question did you want to ask, but you didn't ask?

Speaker 8:26

Oh, you know, just stuff like if she wanted children or something like that. Yeah, you know. They're super important. Yeah, these are things that are ultimately theoretically insurmountable. You know, if you're not aligned on those things, it could lead to the relationship going south. That's right. Yeah. I agree with that. But again, I don't know that these are always topics that are appropriate to broach on the first date. But anyway, it didn't matter with my wife. Like conversation just flowed. We had a great time. Again, there was a Warriors basketball playoff game on the TV above us, and we didn't watch any of it. So that's a huge testament to her because anyone who knows me well knows that that's like I'm easily distracted by a Warriors game.

Host Tea 9:04

So from what I heard just now, to you, your relationship, your love is more important than having kids or not.

Speaker 9:12

Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think as the relationship grew, I remember our third date, my wife actually, at that point, we had some conversations around what we saw, where we were with having children. And on our third date, she told me, like, I had played my hand. I told her, like, you know, I've always pictured myself being a father and blah, blah, blah. And on our third date, she is when she told me like she didn't think children were in the cards for her. And she was basically trying to break up with me. But at that point, I was already kind of like into her. Like, we we just had good chemistry and all that. And so, yeah, we found a mutually agreeable kind of like path forward where we just decided, like, let's just see where this goes, you know.

Host Tea 9:50

And you both sound very cool people to me. Oh, well. I love how straightforward she was, you know, on a third date, she brings us up, big topic. And that also shows risk sho respect to you.

Speaker 10:02

I think so too. Yeah, you know, the first time I met my wife, she was on my ushering team at church. And I was already an usher, and then she joined my team. And the first ushering shift that we had together, there was a guy that was it was also his first shift. And so I assumed that they came as a package deal. I thought she was there with her boyfriend. I mean, she caught my eye right away. But I thought, like, well, if she's here with her boyfriend, you know, I probably shouldn't pursue or whatever. And then I found out later that that was indeed her ex-boyfriend. Anyway, at the end of our first date, I walked my wife out to her car when the date was over and we were parting ways. I said, you know, I'd really like to get to know you better and I'd like to keep, you know, I'd like to see you again, but I just want to make sure you're a free agent. You know, and she told me later that the fact that I asked her that question really meant a lot to her because it indicated to her that I wasn't just in it for the casual encounters or whatever, you know. I was serious about it.

Host Tea 11:00

Yes. I think through my experience, when women go on a first date with a man, if a man expresses that type of interest, like to follow up and to say a statement like that, it generally shows that like there's a genuine interest to get to know you

First Dates, Chemistry, And Early I Love You

Host Tea 11:15

better. If a guy really don't say much, it's already a indication. I don't care where this goes.

Speaker 11:21

Yeah, what their intentions are.

Host Tea 11:22

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 11:24

Well, I was long past the stage of trying to play games. You know, I knew I was looking for something more significant. And, like I said, like from the beginning, How old were you back then? I was 38. It was a a couple weeks before my 39th birthday.

Host Tea 11:38

Oh wow, wow, what a big birthday surprise.

Speaker 11:41

Actually, yeah, before my 39th birthday, I spent time with my wife to be. She we weren't married yet, of course. But um she took me to breakfast and we spent the whole day together and all that. So it was pretty obvious fairly early on that we had a good thing going.

Host Tea 11:55

And oh wait, so she took you out for breakfast. And what else did she do to celebrate your birthday?

Speaker 12:01

She gave me a gift certificate to an online men's custom suit company. Oh wow. Yeah, yeah.

Host Tea 12:08

Wow, that's very generous. And then just two weeks after you two meet, right? Two-ish weeks. It's literally right after you met each other, right? You probably only went out two, three times.

Speaker 12:18

Yeah, we had yeah, you're right. I don't think we had gone on that many dates. Yeah. But again, it was pretty obvious from early on that there was a strong pull from both sides. I think so. Yeah.

Host Tea 12:29

Did you end up making the suit?

Speaker 12:30

I did. And actually it's the suit I got married in.

Host Tea 12:33

Oh, wow. Wow, come on.

Speaker 12:36

Too much. The suit, so my favorite color is royal blue, and this suit is royal blue. Like the color just pops. And I had my eye on it forever. And so she gave me that gift certificate. And then what happened was I ended up losing my job a couple weeks later. Oh no. And yeah. And I remember on the day that I told her I had lost my job, like we had continued to see each other. This was a few weeks after my birthday. And on the day that I lost my job, that was the first time I told her that I loved her. And that was the first time that we officially exchanged titles. Like she became my girlfriend that day.

Host Tea 13:10

Really? So when was that after you met? This was about a month and a half after we met. And you already said I love you. So yeah, on that topic, like people talk love to talk about like where it's appropriate to say I love you to the other person, right? So what's your thought on that now?

Speaker 13:29

Historically, I would have said like I would have waited a little bit longer and just to make sure the female.

Host Tea 13:34

Because it's such a big word, right? It contains a lot of like responsibilities. You should have actions in there already, type of thing.

Speaker 13:42

Yeah.

Host Tea 13:42

Yeah.

Speaker 13:43

And I don't disagree. I think you're right. But again, like we just had that poll from very early on. And she had been kind of hinting at it. Like when I would leave her place or she would leave mine, or like our when we would go our separate ways after a date, we would say things like, I like you so much. I'm really having a good time. And she had hinted, like, ah, like the L word or something like that, you know. And so I wasn't, I don't think that I was entirely like going out on a limb the first time I told her I loved her. I could tell the feelings were strong. And it felt like it was both ways. And in fact, so what happened was I lost my job and I got together with her that night and I told her. And I was worried that I wasn't too worried about this, but I thought there was a possibility that she might tell me, like, look, why don't you go figure out your professional life and give me a call when you're a little more, you know, like situated, when you have your feet back under you. Let's hit pause on this for now. You don't need to be dating anyone while you're unemployed. And nothing could be further from the truth. She was very supportive. She was like, You got this, you have all this talent. It's just a matter of time until you're back on your feet. She was very supportive. And so that was more the answer that I would expect from someone that I wanted to express that I love them. So that was the moment. I told her I loved her. And then I told her when she met my friends, would she be okay with me addressing her as my girlfriend?

Host Tea 15:07

Cool. So looking back today, do you think when you said I love you the first time to her, did that really mean like I love you? Or mean that meant different type of I love you, like I adore

Job Loss, Support, And Commitment

Host Tea 15:20

you, I like you so much that I just want to spend every minute with you. But in fact, it was not I love you.

Speaker 15:27

Yeah, it's funny you ask. We actually, I hate to keep beating the bringing up religion, but it's something we learned about at church. There's a type of love in old Greek language called agape, which is like unconditional love. It's the I want to spend every moment with you. It's the I would argue kind of like the deepest form of love. And and I think that was what I felt. There's another form of love called eros, which is more call it like physical, but I think we waited on that part. And so it was just that the agape, the unconditional love. In my wife's credit, like to her credit, loving unconditionally is the only way she knows how. She's got a heart of gold, she's very loving, she's very sweet. So it was easy for me to fall in love with her.

Host Tea 16:09

So what I'm hearing is when you said I love you to her, I guess that's a moment you both said I love you, right? Yeah. You both felt like you are each other the person forever, and you would do anything to make it work, and you'll always be there for each other. I don't know that we were at that square at that point. But you just mentioned that you were feeling the deepest form of love.

Speaker 16:33

Yes. And and I think that we were on that path, you know, at least I hope. I understand. Okay, cool. I think the day that I decided that I wanted to spend forever with her was the day that we got engaged, or maybe even the day we got married. But I knew that the first time I told her I loved her, I think that I was being honest. I genuinely did love her. And I didn't want her to leave, or I don't think either of us were planning on splitting up, but I wanted to communicate to her how strongly my feelings for her were. I think she deserved it. And now I try to tell her as often as I can.

Host Tea 17:05

So do you have advice to our audience, to single people today, when it's a good time, good timing to say I love you?

Speaker 17:12

I guess this is gonna sound so cliched and so corny, but when it feels right, you know?

Host Tea 17:18

just go with flow, go with your heart.

Speaker 17:20

Yeah, go with your heart. You know, I think I had had another situation with a a previous girlfriend where I told her I loved her and and she clammed up on me. And we had been dating for maybe six-ish months, and I told her I loved her, and she kind of froze, and she was like, She's like, I'm not ready to say that yet, you know? That's fair. Yeah. I remember like she handled it as well as one possibly can, but I'm not gonna lie, like it it hurt. Of course. Yeah. But I think that I felt like there was learnings there, right? Yeah. I felt like I was ignoring maybe some warning signs that weren't present with my wife the first time I told her I loved her.

Host Tea 18:00

Yeah, I think also talking about your previous relationship, your ex-girlfriend. I feel if a person has already had a relationship with you for six months and they don't feel that kind of intense loving feeling, you probably like shouldn't be together. You don't belong to each other.

Speaker 18:18

Yeah.

Host Tea 18:19

Yeah.

Speaker 18:19

You're right. And I think the fact that it took me six months to get ready to tell her that I loved her is also indicative of the point you're just making. I actually think, like again, maybe I'm traditional, but I think the man should tell the woman he loves her first. I also agree to that. But again, I mean, I think love's a two-way street, and I don't think the man should always be doing everything first. No, I mean I don't think that it the man should be grasping at straws. Like the woman also has a role in that. Of course. Yeah. So like she needs to give him signs that the feelings are real for her too, or whatever, right? Yeah, only when you feel mutual, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, that's honestly like that's such an aphrodisiac, right? Is when you feel like the person that you're dating and and you're developing these this bond with feels the same way about you. I honestly think that's the most beautiful part about it.

Host Tea 19:12

I wasn't gonna say that. It is the most beautiful part, yeah.

Speaker 19:15

And it's the best feeling. You know, my wife and I say all the time, like, we just wish that everyone could have a relationship like ours where you're just like totally happy. We get along famously. I mean, she literally is my best friend. We have the best time together. I miss her when I'm not with her, you know. But again, it sounds super corny, but I think I hit the jackpot.

Host Tea 19:37

How many men can say that?

Speaker 19:38

Hopefully a lot. But yeah, I don't know.

Host Tea 19:42

Yeah. So earlier on you mentioned about you waited

Waiting On Sex And Building Intimacy

Host Tea 19:45

on sex.

Speaker 19:46

Yes.

Host Tea 19:46

Yeah. Would you like to share more about that?

Speaker 19:49

Yeah, I can talk about that. I think the physical attraction was there, but I don't think either of us wanted to convey that we were rushing into anything or that we were there for the wrong reasons. So we just took our time with it, you know, and in hindsight I'm glad we did. And actually more about that. So before we got married, we were sexually active. And then we went to a premarital class at our church, and our pastor like encouraged us to kind of hit the brakes on that. And he was like, you know, honor God. And so we did. We took a vow of celibacy and we like refrained from having sex until we were until after marriage. I mean, again, we had already tasted that fruit, but then we decided to kind of hit pause on it.

Host Tea 20:31

So how long after you met you started having sex?

Speaker 20:34

I think it was about three and a half months.

Host Tea 20:37

Okay.

Speaker 20:37

After you really know each other in depth already. I had already told her I loved her. Yeah, we had been seeing each other. I mean, when I lost my job, I had a lot of freedom. You know, I would spend my days kind of looking for a job, and then my evenings were free. So I was with her a lot, you know. Almost every day. Almost every day. Oh, that's so nice. I mean, so my wife has a very stressful job, and and she's like extremely like successful and upwardly mobile. So her job is demanding of her. So she didn't always have the bandwidth, but when I was available whenever she was, kind of thing, you know. But then when I found my next job, you know, I didn't have as much freedom. But um, when I was unemployed, I had time.

Host Tea 21:19

So do you think it was important for you to know that you two have you two are compatible sexually as well?

Speaker 21:31

Well, I don't know. It's funny. I can't really remember being that worried about it, I guess.

Host Tea 21:36

Some people are really like concerned about it today. Like I know. Their opinions are I need to really have idea, have sex with the person I'm dating before I marry her or marry him. Yeah, so I know for sure we're compatible in every way.

Speaker 21:52

Well, so here's one thing I've learned is like I think sexual intimacy and like, you know, good sex can also be kind of a learned behavior. Right. Like at the end of the day, I have the male genitalia and she has the female genitalia. So like we can make it work.

Host Tea 22:07

That's interesting. I never heard somebody said that in putting it in that way, but sounds logical to me. And I also think in many levels, it's very psychological. Yeah. As well. So and it's based on deep intimacy, right? As long as you have that deep connection and you're both healthy people, right? Healthy mentally, and you're able to have amazing sex.

Speaker 22:30

Yeah. The connection part's important. I've thought a lot about like, I remember when I was single, but I was ready for something more. I was looking for someone that I had what I call chemistry with.

Host Tea 22:41

Yeah.

Speaker 22:41

You know, and I think chemistry encapsulates like the physical attraction, the emotional connection, the being in alignment with the things that are important to you, you know? And so I think as long as you kind of have that chemistry, sometimes I would go so far as to say it even includes that little like spark, you know? And that spark can go a long way in the bedroom too.

Host Tea 23:03

So I want to go back to the first time you saw her, you told me that you noticed her right away. She was beautiful. So what else about her that really attracted you?

Speaker 23:15

So I'm glad you asked because the very first time I met her, I wondered where she had been, right? So I had been going to my church, that the church we met at, it's up in the city, it's up in San Francisco. And I had been going there for maybe five years at this point. And I had never seen her around. And when I saw her, I went, Who is that? You know, it was one of those. I was like, who's that and where she'd been hiding? And then so I want to tell you the story about the day I got her number.

Host Tea 23:41

That was the second time you saw her.

Speaker 23:43

Second time I saw her. Yeah. So there's a few details I didn't share yet. So can I tell them now?

Host Tea 23:48

Yes, please. Including the question I asked you about what are the qualities about her that are really attracted to you.

Speaker 23:54

Oh, so I'll answer that first. Okay, cool. Okay. So yeah, looks, you know, that was um definitely an eye catcher. And then the fact that she was at church was also That was important. Important for me, yeah. Yes, and then not the first time we met, because the first time we met was just very like, you know, a handshake and uh how's it going? kind of thing. The second time we met was when we started chit-chatting. And that was when she met, that was the Mother's Day time when she told me that it was her first time, her first Mother's Day without her mother being with her. Yeah. So, but anyway, on that day, she just again, she had caught my eye the first time I saw her. And then this time we started talking and and I realized like, wow, she's she's really cool, she's really easy to talk to. I felt like we had kind of that chemistry or that little spark, like very early on. So anyway, I think those were kind of the main, I guess, like boxes that I was checking in my head was like I thought she was pretty, she was at church, and you know, so there's only so much you can tell about and her personality is very easygoing type of thing. Yes, but again, that was at the second time we met. So, like the first time we met, I didn't even have a chance to to talk to her too much. It was just like a handshake. So I didn't know her how her personality was just yet. The next time I saw her, so when I was

Getting Her Number And No-Games Pursuit

Speaker 25:10

an usher at my old church, I would serve every other weekend. And so what happened was the very first time I met my wife, when we didn't get a chance to chit-chat, we just met in passing when she joined the ushering team. Two weeks later was when I was scheduled to serve, but I was out of town that weekend. And then two weeks later from that was the next time I saw her, and that was Mother's Day. That's the day she showed up in black pants, a black sweater, and a teal scarf. And so that's when I started chit-chatting with her. You know, I asked her what her plans were for Mother's Day, and she said, Well, I'm not married and I don't have any children. She was dropping little hints.

Host Tea 25:41

You're repeating yourself. Yeah. You just love that memory.

Speaker 25:45

Well, and then she also said, like, she said something like, you know, the church we went to in San Francisco is called Cornerstone. And she's like, There's a rumor that Cornerstone is gonna start a ministry for single people. And she's like, We should join that. You know, so again, she was dropping hints around like the fact that she was single and interested. So I said to her, like, I like how she did that. Oh yeah. Our other friend Gabriella was there and like witnessed to the whole interaction. And she told us later, she's like, Man, you guys were like, it was pretty obvious that we were interested in each other, like right up. Everybody saw. Yeah. So it's funny. So that day that we met, and then I had to serve my ushering shift. And like my wife worked the main sanctuary, and I worked the side door over where the like the Sunday school was where the children's venistry is. And the whole time I was over there, I was thinking about my wife. And I was like, man, you know, she's showing signs of being interested. I'm like, I don't want to wait until another two weeks when I serve with her again.

Host Tea 26:41

Definitely not.

Speaker 26:42

Yeah, I gotta get her number today.

Host Tea 26:43

If you like her, get her. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 26:46

After service let out, I was like trying to make my way over there to talk to her again. Well, so this there's a funny story. So then these two ladies at my church that had been trying to recruit me to work in the um hospitality ministry, like uh serving coffee and donuts and stuff to the congregation. They came up and cornered me and they were like, hey, you should do it. You'd have a great time, blah, blah, blah. And while I'm talking to these two girls, I could see my wife like going to gather her stuff and getting ready to leave, so I'm like, I felt like I was like cornered. I'm like, I gotta go talk to her before she leaves. And so I told these two girls, I'm like, okay, fine, I'll do it. And then like just call send me the information. And then I went out front. I saw my wife go upstairs to get her purse. And so I went out front and I was waiting for her outside of the church. And I'm like waiting forever. And I'm like, oh man, I hope she didn't go out a different exit and like already leave. And then finally I saw her come out the front door. She'll just chatting with somebody. Yeah, she and then she walked right up to me and she's like, Are you serving again for the noon service? And I'm like, No, I was waiting for you. Oh, wow. I'm like, I'm like, I was curious if you want to get together sometime. And she's like, sure.

Host Tea 27:51

I love that if there's no games.

Speaker 27:53

No, no.

Host Tea 27:54

So I took my phone out.

Speaker 27:55

I took my phone out to get her number, and I was so nervous that my hand was shaking. Like she had to key her number into my phone. And then I called her that day. And normally I think that's also taboo, but I was gonna be traveling for work that week and I wanted to get something on the calendar with her before I went out of town. And so I just called her later that woman liked that. I think she liked it too. Yeah. She responded well.

Host Tea 28:18

Yeah. But of course, like, come on, every relationship, there's tensions or conflicts. There are me about that. That part. How how do you guys like us through that? What's your strategies to resolve that?

Speaker 28:31

So it's funny. So we I mentioned we went to a premarital class. Yes. And I think both of us went into it kind of skeptical. You know, we were both a little bit older. You know, I was in my late 30s. And, I think we thought going into this premarital class, like this is for people in their 20s, you know, like what made you s you would think about going there? Uh, good question.

Host Tea 28:52

Was it provided by the church?

Speaker 28:54

It was provided by the church, and I think it was just our pastor suggested it. Okay. All right. So maybe more as a formality, like, okay, well, let's go see what this is about. And sure enough, one of the things that we learned there was how men and women process conflict differently. So for men, when an issue comes up, we want to like minimize it and make it seem like it's no big deal.

Host Tea 29:12

Like I Oh, interesting. I already like this class. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 29:16

It was very sounds very useful. Yeah, we learned a lot. Meanwhile, women on the other hand want to feel validated. So they want to feel like the issue that they're dealing with is like bigger and more grandiose. And so, like, whereas men want to like minimize and make it go away and like figure out how to fix it, that doesn't always work with women. They're not

Premarital Class And Conflict Skills

Speaker 29:35

looking for the solution, they're looking more to feel validated. Like, oh girl, that's that's rough, you know, or or whatever.

Host Tea 29:40

Come on, men also need to be validated. Everybody's feeling needs to be validated.

Speaker 29:45

Of course. And I mean, I know that's an oversimplification, but it's also kind of a truism about how men and women process things differently. So things that we learned in that premarital class, we've reflected back on at times when we did have conflict. And like we just part of it's funny because going through that class caused enough heartache for us in and of itself, like friction just happened because of stuff we were talking about at that class. Oh. And so we kind of like learned how to deal with it in real time. Right there during the class. Yes. We used to call them seven-hour talks. We would have these like discussions where we would have to work through like things where we weren't aligned. And I don't know, when I lived in the city, like a lot of times we would go out and meet up with my buddies and like go have a couple drinks or whatever. And then we would find ourselves bickering because like the alcohol played a role and just whatever, you know. And so we would have these like talks that just took forever to get through, but we needed to get through them in order to get back to being like happy again.

Host Tea 30:48

Seven hour?

Speaker 30:49

That well, they usually weren't that long, but that was just more of a nickname we gave them, you know.

Host Tea 30:54

Just Oh, okay. It's more like let's have a conversation about this one particular issue we're facing.

Speaker 31:00

Yeah, let's work through this.

Host Tea 31:01

okay.

Speaker 31:02

Don't give me that look like I'm crazy.

Host Tea 31:04

No, no, no. I agree. Like when you have a problem, you need to just go resolve it before you go really bad.

Speaker 31:11

Yeah, they they always used to say, like, don't go to bed angry or something like that. And so Is that what you live by as well? I try to. I mean, to be honest, there were times again, like when we would get home from hanging out with friends and again, like, we've had a couple drinks. And if we started to have a disagreement, I would say to myself, like, we should just pick this up in the morning when we've slept off the alcohol.

Host Tea 31:31

I totally agree in that situation for sure.

Speaker 31:33

Because you two are not thinking clearly. And there were times when like that is what we decided to do. There was one time when we were dating when my wife got mad and she and she left. She's like, I'm not staying here tonight. And she like got her car and I did that too. Oh. I want to hear that story. And then I remember that day when she went home mad. I saw her the next morning at church. Again, a common theme. And um, we were both like super sheepish, and again, we had kind of had time to sleep off the alcohol. And we're both like, I'm sorry. And you know. Did you say sorry first? I'm sure I did. You know, one thing about my wife, I don't mind telling her that I'm sorry because again, she loves me unconditionally, and so I think it's the least I can do, you know.

Host Tea 32:16

You sound very sweet right now.

Speaker 32:18

Oh yeah, it's funny. I think people who know both my wife and myself think that we're both lucky to have found each other. I definitely agree from my perspective. She's a good girl, she's got a sweetheart, and how come she doesn't come to the gym with you? She's been a couple times. I think she thinks that that's like my forum, or yeah, yeah. She likes to work out. She doesn't have a ton of time to do it, but she does like little hit workouts at home. She has it like a bunch of exercise equipment at home. Oh, she doesn't even have the time to drive ten minutes to the gym. Well, she works pretty long days, so Okay. And also, like, so she used to dance salsa competitively. Oh, wow. So that was kind of how she stayed fit. In recent years, she kind of got out of the salsa scene when she was no longer single. But now she does like hit workouts. She used to go to classes with me a lot when I lived in the city, but now, like, anytime she comes around the F-45 crowd, I think she feels like it's like my scene, you know. I know everyone there. And like I guess it's kind of like you could also ask the question, like, why don't I go salsa dancing with her? And like, I just can't hang with her. You know, she's like, she did it competitively for many years, and I'm very novice at it. So it just wouldn't be fun for either of us. yeah. Different level. Yeah.

Host Tea 33:36

So if someone wants a relationship like yours, what would you tell them to focus on?

Speaker 33:43

Oh my gosh, that's an awesome question. You love it. Yeah. It's hard. That's a tough one, you know. Cause I was single for many years and I didn't know the answer, you know. So I guess for me, I would be remiss if I failed to mention like how my faith, I think, has played a role because we met at church and like we we still go to church, you know, it's important to us. I also think it's important to just think about what's important to you in life. And then oftentimes that is where you'll meet the person that is right for you.

Host Tea 34:16

So should I say, first of all, faith - what

Seven-Hour Talks And Repair Rituals

Host Tea 34:20

you believe in life is really important and think like really focusing on and hearing your heart about what you're looking for and what matters to you the most and focus on that when you're looking for someone.

Speaker 34:35

Yeah. I mean, I remember when I was active on the dating apps, some of the dating apps will let you select the criteria around what's a an appropriate match for you. And I remember I used to think like they were kind of gray areas or things that I was kind of like willing to compromise on because I again I wanted to cast a wider net.

Host Tea 34:51

Yes. I think that's how it works with people's mind s on the dating apps.

Speaker 34:57

Yeah. And and also I think it bleeds over into just dating in general. Yeah. You meet someone that you're interested in or you find them attractive or whatever, and then you find something out about them that maybe doesn't quite align with with your values or whatever, but like you're kind of in it now. You know, you've like already kind of like started seeing them, or you know, I think emotions can kind of trump logic or whatever, and that's probably how it's supposed to be. But I think, you know, again, there's kind of like warning signs that maybe that's not the right fit for you.

Host Tea 35:29

Yeah, we call that red flags.

Speaker 35:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that before. So don't ignore the red flags.

Host Tea 35:35

What do you think people often get wrong when choosing a partner?

Speaker 35:39

I think they ignore the red flags. I think for me, I think maybe I put too high a premium on the looks piece in my younger years.

Host Tea 35:48

But come on, you just told me your wife is beautiful. I know.

Speaker 35:53

I know I'm talking out of both.

Host Tea 35:54

It sounds very attractive to me. So that sounds still very important to you.

Speaker 35:58

It always will be. You know, I can't kid myself. Like I watch shows like Love is Blind where they meet through a pod where they don't get to see the person they're talking to. And I think that's an interesting concept, but I've also seen the show enough to know that some of those relationships go south because they just don't have that physical attraction. You know, so call me shallow or whatever. But I think that I don't want to sound like I'm virtue signaling, but I think I would love my life even if she didn't look like she does.

Host Tea 36:26

But you were saying like uh in your younger years when you were dating, you were mostly focusing on the you know the the beauty on the outside. Yeah, yeah, I think that's true. I don't think You ignored other important values. Yes. Okay. I have one last question. Okay. What is the biggest lesson that you have learned from your relationship?

Speaker 36:48

Gosh, I guess I think I would say just how to be a better man. You know, I think because I've learned so much from my life. You're so reflective. Yeah, yeah. I mean that's a great quality to be a good partner. Yeah. She's taught me so much. And um again, like she's taught me how to love unconditionally. I think that's helpful. She gives me advice on things that I think is very sound. And sometimes I'll be at a crossroads where I don't know how to proceed or whatever, and I'll explain it to her, and she makes sense of it like very quickly. You know, she's she's super sharp, she processes things quickly, and then she's like her advice is like 99% of the time act.

Host Tea 37:31

She sounds like a person who has a lot of wisdoms.

Speaker 37:33

Yes, yeah.

Host Tea 37:35

And that you value that a lot. Absolutely. Yeah, I can see that from your eyes.

Speaker 37:40

Yeah, she's a good catch.

Host Tea 37:42

Well, too bad we don't have enough time to talk so much about your life on dating apps, but next time, chapter two. But yeah, it's been great. I enjoyed hearing your story. It's very inspiring to me. It's a rare story, it's full of love. I can resonate with your story at many levels. And what you said about how to be in a relationship, how to sustain and make sure the relationship works long term, all of that I agree as well.

Speaker 38:14

Good. Well, yeah, I'm just so grateful for you letting me participate in this.

Host Tea 38:18

Well, thank you for like just being so cool and being part of this. It's been fun. Steve had lots to share. And this is what his belief and practice in love. Every day you wake up and you choose your relationship. You say, I love you often. You stay honest about what matters to you. You date with

Shared Life, Hobbies, And Boundaries

Host Tea 38:40

intention, you don't play games when the feeling is mutual. You understand that when conflicts happen, it's not you versus your partner. It's both of you versus the problem. You let each other feel heard. You're not afraid to say sorry. And you don't ignore the red flags in them or in yourself. These wisdoms are simple yet powerful. Whenever you feel lost in your relationship, come back to these small truths, sometimes, that's all it takes to reset your heart and change how you show up. For a lot of us, that's a real recipe for a happy relationship. If you enjoyed this conversation, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who would appreciate it. If this episode brought you value, you're welcome to take me out of a virtual coffee. It helps keep the mics on and I appreciate the support. You can find the link in the show notes. And if you or someone amazing you know, would be a great guest for this show, you will find the application linking in the show notes too. That's it for now. Thanks for tuning in to this episode of The Dating Chit. I'm your host, Tea. Until next time, keep showing up, stay kind, stay curious, and never settle for less than the love you truly deserve.