Host Tea: 00:02
Hey you. Welcome to The Dating Chit, a space designed to help you move beyond assumptions and guesswork. So you can date and love with clarity and confidence. I'm your host, Tea. Today I'm joined by Ed. Ed has a very interesting arc: elite education, startup exit, early retirement, long marriage. And now, back to dating, his profile checks many girls' boxes. Berkeley and Stanford built a career as a robotic engineer and eventually had a successful startup exit that allowed him to retire early. These days, he likes to say his job is simply the beach. He spends his time pursuing his passions and interests, surfing, playing music, social dancing, traveling the world, and exploring great food. His two kids are almost out of door. And he now has plenty of time to focus on new relationships. By the way, he just turned 50. And honestly, he looks about 20 years younger. I can easily see him standing next to a 30-year-old woman just fine. But the highlight here is actually that he has a great relationship with his ex-wife. If you're curious about how he looks, check out our YouTube video and Instagram at the dating chip. And if you want to meet him after this episode, hit the apply to date link in the show notes. And then I will be talking about some intriguing dating stories after a long marriage and his self-discoveries about love, compatibility, and attachment styles. He gets very honest and super transparent. We're going to hear about his weaknesses as well. He will share some AI tools he finds super useful for relationships and for emotional healing. Before we get into today's episode, I have a quick reminder. This podcast is for everyone, especially for those navigating dating and relationship dynamics. Whether you're single or in a relationship, we're here to give you more clarity and wisdom so you can date and love smarter. Now, let's dive in.

Guest Ed: 02:11
Hi.

Host Tea: 02:12
Welcome to the pod.

Guest Ed: 02:13
Thank you.

Host Tea: 02:14
You finally made it.

Guest Ed: 02:15
Yeah, good to be here.

Host Tea: 02:18
So where should we start?

Guest Ed: 02:19
You tell me.

Host Tea: 02:22
Well, for a guy who now is, you know, after a long marriage, a long relationship, and finally like ready, super ready, right? For dating.

Guest Ed: 02:31
Yeah.

Host Tea: 02:32
And you've been mentioning you have started dating a few months ago?

Guest Ed: 02:35
Yeah, that's — I guess so about eight months ago. That's July. So yeah. You know the date when I started.

Host Tea: 02:43
Would you like to talk about your first date?

Guest Ed: 02:45
Yeah. So I hadn't been dating for 20 years, right? Do online dating for the first time. And I really had a nice dinner with this person, great chemistry, good conversation, super fun, right? And then afterwards, we went for a walk. It was nighttime, a nice romantic walk in the park.

Host Tea: 03:08
Wow. I love how the story is going.

Guest Ed: 03:10
It's beautiful. You know, it's like a movie, right? We stop over a bridge, a little brook. Then eventually we just sit on a park bench talking under the stars. And it got really heated real fast. It's like I asked her, Can I kiss you? I was like, okay. And then before I know it, she was on top of me. I was on top of her. It's like we almost basically almost had sex in the park.

Host Tea: 03:36
This part got too hot too fast.

Guest Ed: 03:38
That was my first date, after 20 years of marriage, yeah.

Host Tea: 03:45
That's insane.

Guest Ed: 03:45
It was insane. And you know, it was my first time back, right? And it's like 20 years has passed. First time online dating, and I'm thinking, is this how it's supposed to work now? Is this — that was my reference, right, for future dates. Like, okay. That's your vendor. Exactly. Okay, that's how dates are supposed to work.

Host Tea: 04:03
So Wow, wow, but nothing happened.

Guest Ed: 04:07
A lot happened, but we didn't go all the way. But it was a lot.

Guest Ed: 04:12
And yeah, it was really a little, it was shocking, but in a mixed way. It was cool. And we had a passionate kiss goodbye, and it was a good date.

Host Tea: 04:27
Oh, so you did not see her again.

Guest Ed: 04:30
Oh, well, yeah, the curious thing — just shortly after that, she had to go on a trip, and then yeah, very shortly, she said she had actually met somebody else and started dating. Which — in her verbiage, right? It's like in a place where we are where there's so many interesting available people, you know, it's easy to happen. It's like, okay. Yeah, it did not, yeah. So that was it. That was one date.

Host Tea: 04:59
Wow, that's really interesting opening, starting part of your dating.

Guest Ed: 05:05
One date that was crazy on fire, yeah. Especially coming from my previous dating standards, right? It was very different back then, right? Very different.

Guest Ed: 05:16
20 years ago. Because I had joined a faith where we kept sexuality very, very sacred, you know. And it's something that we reserved only for people we were married to. There's no sexual relations outside of marriage, before, after, even the person I'm engaged with, nothing. It was a great foundation. It was a solid foundation. It made for a very, very trusting marriage, in fact. Yes.

Host Tea: 05:41
So should I say that your previous marriage was like that? And she like she was the only person you actually had that relationship with?

Guest Ed: 05:50
Since I joined the church. Okay, I see. But prior to that, I was living by more the general American standards.

Host Tea: 05:57
I see.

Guest Ed: 05:57
But since I joined the church, that was what I was living by, and so was she. She was living by that thing her entire life. And I personally found a lot of value in it, right? I think it was core to just having trust. I trust her so much that even after our divorce, we totally trust each other, that we have our best intentions for each other. And it also built a solid foundation for our kids. So it's really, yeah, it's key to building a strong family, I think. So I'm very happy with that.

Host Tea: 06:32
I must say that I really like that message you brought out because I do think sex is a really sensitive topic in dating. And when to pay set or when to have sex or having sex at all during dating is, you know, everybody has their own opinions to that. Yeah. But I can see that and I resonate with your mindset about if we don't have sex, it might really allow us opportunity to build foundation and just focus on the values, focus on who you are as each individual. I see the value in that one. Yeah.

Guest Ed: 07:12
It's huge. It's huge. In fact, one of the best pieces of advice that I've received was sex outside of marriage will weaken your marriage, and sex within the marriage will strengthen your marriage. And for my relationship with my ex-spouse, I believe that, yeah, that's totally foundational. Absolutely.

Host Tea: 07:29
Okay. So does that mean that, you know, you — in this new chapter of your dating life now, you are practicing no sex?

Guest Ed: 07:39
So that's yeah, it's an interesting question, right? I formerly thought of this principle as a foundation for like a strong family life. And like you said, new chapter. My kids are almost college age, probably not planning to have kids again. So it wasn't clear to me whether those still applied, hence my crazy first date. And for a while, I wasn't sure if those principles were still important to me until the last person that I dated that I was in a three-month relationship with, she adhered to the same principles, and it reinforced it for me that wow, I like that. I'm grateful to meet somebody who practiced that and reminded me the value that it brought. And I'm actually hoping that my next long-term partner would have common values. So in stark contrast to my crazy first date, yeah. This person that was my girlfriend for a few months didn't let me hug her until a third date. It's like no, it's like she was on our first date at the end of our date, where I had been normally — no hugging? Asking, I actually in previously in my prior dates, I would almost consistently ask my date if I could kiss them and most of the time they would. I mean, exclusively, almost all the time they would. Right? But in this case, with her, she offered her hand to me — a handshake.

Host Tea: 09:09
Oh, that's interesting.

Guest Ed: 09:10
No, no, no, but it was full, but it was cool. And then I said, okay, so for the first three days, I just gave her a fist bump.

Host Tea: 09:17
Oh, okay.

Guest Ed: 09:18
Until eventually, yeah, exactly. Until eventually I was — we were at the level where I could get a hug. And yeah, so that's really interesting. Just the stark contrast.

Host Tea: 09:31
Yeah, so Ed, I want just to step back for a moment before we're going on with our exciting dating life, right? Because your journey is quite unique. Your situation where you retired early.

Host Tea: 09:45
Yeah.

Host Tea: 09:46
Yeah. Because you were able to build something successful. Congratulations on that.

Host Tea: 09:52
Thank you.

Host Tea: 09:53
And I can see that now you're just enjoying your life, right? That's amazing. Yeah, your lifestyle is like super chill and you're on the beach all the time.

Guest Ed: 10:02
That's right, literally on the beach. My job is beach.

Host Tea: 10:06
So being retired early and at the same time you exited from your marriage and you're still in a good relationship with the ex, what is — how is it now for you in terms of priorities? Is relationship your priority? Is your focus now?

Guest Ed: 10:22
That's a great question. The end of my marriage — relationship was top priority for me. And that's when I had the best advice ever from a close friend of mine. And he said, Ed, don't make dating your life. Build a life that you will enjoy and let the dating come. And that was phenomenal. Wow. Because I mean, and it's like at the foundational level, right? Nobody's — you're not attractive when dating is your life. You're attractive when you have a life. And so with that, I yeah, I shifted my focus. I'm in two rock bands now. I really beefed up my musicianship. So I play in two bands, surf all the time. I built a rock band class at the local school. So I built a foundational life I would enjoy. And then now the dating is a sideshow for somebody who wants to enjoy that with me.

Host Tea: 11:23
So you're saying after — when did you get divorced?

Guest Ed: 11:26
So the divorce was the beginning of 2004, so it's about — or 2024, so it's about a year and a half now. Or not about two and a half years now.

Host Tea: 11:35
Okay, and you have been very relaxing. You kept a very relaxing mindset towards dating. You weren't like jumping into dating, it's like, oh, I'm gonna find the person now.

Guest Ed: 11:44
Well, so the first year and a half I was trying to get our marriage back together, so I wasn't dating at all.

Host Tea: 11:49
Okay.

Guest Ed: 11:50
And then yeah, starting in July of last year, gave it a shot, went online, had my crazy first day. It's like, oh, this is actually — single life is actually fun.

Host Tea: 12:01
So now you're saying that you're just creating a new life for yourself.

Guest Ed: 12:07
Yeah.

Host Tea: 12:08
At the same time, you're going with the flow of who you meet.

Guest Ed: 12:12
Well, in some sense, although in another sense, it's still very active. I'm very active on online dating. I'm actively looking. I'm when there are singles events, I go and always out to meet people.

Host Tea: 12:26
Really? Singles events.

Guest Ed: 12:27
Singles events, yeah, it's a thing. There — it's a fantastic thing. There's, and it's amazing. It was founded by a single woman who just spontaneously created these things. And throughout in different, you know, like each month, there would be a different event somewhere in the Bay Area, and it would just be a place where singles would meet. It's pretty cool.

Host Tea: 12:53
Cool. So you met your girlfriend from there?

Guest Ed: 12:58
No. No, I met my girlfriend at a church event, actually. Which is yeah, which is interesting. It was a big event, a three-day event for singles. People from all over the country would fly in to meet singles, and it's a little disappointing. Well, within that entire event of maybe, I don't know, hundreds of people, there was one person I was interested in. But we hit it off, so it worked for me.

Host Tea: 13:27
You just need one people.

Guest Ed: 13:29
I just need one, and it was beautiful.

Host Tea: 13:33
Wow. So how long did that last and what did you learn from that?

Guest Ed: 13:38
One, I think the most valuable thing is that I relearned that the church principles around dating and life in general that I adhered to before were still legit and actually really nice to have. So I hope I can find that. And unfortunately, among 500 people, there's only one person that worked. Might be a rare thing to try to find these days. The other was the sad ending.

Guest Ed: 14:05
There was a misunderstanding and ideally we would have a conversation, but instead she disappeared for two weeks and then started talking about it over text afterwards, and it was just yeah. So unfortunately, the land of texting and resolving romantic misunderstandings is a bad place to do that.

Host Tea: 14:29
And you didn't try to propose to her that let's meet and have conversation?

Guest Ed: 14:35
I did. And yeah, it's really an unfortunate outcome. No, so my ideal approach would have been when there was the misunderstanding that she would be open to talk, at least on the phone.

Host Tea: 14:50
Right.

Guest Ed: 14:51
But instead, no, she thought about it for about two weeks, and then she can't even jump on the call? No, no, no. She was just, you know, disappeared for two weeks. And then she texted me two weeks later, and her mind was pretty made up. It's just pretty — Wow, so disappointing and surprising, a little shocking.

Host Tea: 15:10
That's actually one type of scenario that's happening today.

Guest Ed: 15:17
Yeah, in the texting world.

Host Tea: 15:20
Yeah, but it's not just about texting, to be honest, it's like avoidance type of behavior, right?

Guest Ed: 15:25
Right, yes. The whole concept of ghosting, right? Yeah. Or just not approaching difficult situations. I actually turn out very, very anxious.

Host Tea: 15:38
Texting. I think texting can make people anxious. Exactly. It's crazy, right? Just the nature of it.

Guest Ed: 15:42
Yeah, and it's so new to me, right? Because 20 years ago, when I want to see somebody, we get on the phone and then we hang out.

Host Tea: 15:49
I'm so sorry you're going through this, right?

Guest Ed: 15:51
Red, red, red. But now it's like, I send a text, like, okay, are they gonna call back? Are they gonna call back ever? Well, especially with this last one. Like, she disappeared for two weeks after telling me. It's like, hey, she sent me a text once, like, hey, something's bothering me, not sure what it is. Let me just take a step back and think about it.

Guest Ed: 16:07
And she's gone. I'm like, what happened?

Host Tea: 16:12
Yeah, so yeah, texting is not being helpful.

Guest Ed: 16:16
No, it's hard. Yeah.

Host Tea: 16:17
Yeah. If you want to communicate, pick up a phone call, right?

Guest Ed: 16:20
That's yeah, that's what I prefer. I'm learning how to use it now, though.

Host Tea: 16:25
Or if you happen to be dating someone who is just in the same neighborhood, you just — you know — that drive by, drop by. Hey, what's up?

Guest Ed: 16:34
That's what I'm hoping for, and that's how I used to date, people in the neighborhood.

Host Tea: 16:39
The old days are the best. Exactly, right?

Guest Ed: 16:42
Now I have to date people in another city? What's that?

Host Tea: 16:46
Now part of your plan with your new life is to hopefully meet someone compatible and just have a happy relationship with, right?

Host Tea: 16:56
Yes. So what type of woman do you see yourself to be completely happy with then?

Guest Ed: 17:03
Well, starting with just like the absolute core character traits, right? Let's do it. Like you said, self-awareness. That's number one. Right? I need somebody who is able to introspect, to consider each other's perspectives and see the different ways that we can grow if there's that.

Host Tea: 17:28
Growth mindset.

Guest Ed: 17:29
Growth mindset and open-mindedness, right? So that's key. And then of course a relationship trust. Those are at the core. And then on top of that, and the extra bonus — I mean, well, chemistry is obviously maybe that's non-negotiable. Chemistry's probably gotta be there, right?

Host Tea: 17:54
And then so do you believe chemistry is built over time?

Guest Ed: 17:58
Interesting question. For me, in my life experience, chemistry has always been — so I'm a different, yeah. No, so not — I have not had that experience. I suspect it's possible, but for me.

Host Tea: 18:13
I like that open-mindedness you have.

Guest Ed: 18:15
Yeah, exactly, right? So I'm open to the possibility, and you know, that's interesting. I didn't think about that. But suppose I connected deeply with somebody who didn't have strong initial chemistry, then I can see that building over time.

Host Tea: 18:28
Yeah, you can imagine, like with a female friend, right?

Guest Ed: 18:32
Yeah, that's true, right?

Host Tea: 18:33
Yeah, you really care about each other as friends, and at some point it could, if you both feel something different, it could totally evolve into like a relationship.

Guest Ed: 18:44
Yep.

Host Tea: 18:45
Yeah.

Guest Ed: 18:45
Yeah. Yeah, that it could be. Although, yeah, it is, it has been really fun to have instant chemistry and then almost have sex in the park on the first.

Host Tea: 18:57
Oh my god, in the park.

Guest Ed: 18:58
In the park, under the stars. I think I want to move back to my no sex outside of marriage standard. But because like you said, no, I think you hit it, you hit it spot on, right? It's about if we really want to build a deep emotional connection, yeah. Physicality will almost always just take away from that, right? Yeah. But also if we keep the physicality away, it just keeps us — it just pure. It just forces us to be — it's like, okay, this is what we're doing.

Host Tea: 19:33
There's no distractions. No distractions. Yeah. Yeah.

Guest Ed: 19:37
Yeah. And once you're committed, it just makes the physicality just so much more special, right?

Host Tea: 19:43
I just have to agree with that. Because I think especially for women, like women get easily confused. If there's sex involved already, like we're like, oh, what's happening right now? Are we in a relationship? Does he really care about me? Or is he just like, this is a benefit to him? Right. It's always there.

Guest Ed: 20:05
Yeah.

Host Tea: 20:06
Yeah. It's not helping.

Guest Ed: 20:07
Yeah. And even for a man, it's not a good thing. Am I with her? Because just the natural dopamine experience from sexuality can, you know, can easily cloud judgment. Or can easily — yes, cloud the judgment.

Host Tea: 20:21
Cloud the judgment.

Guest Ed: 20:22
And just take the focus away, right? It's like, okay, now we're done trying to get to know each other. We're just gonna go for the dopamine now.

Host Tea: 20:31
So I'm curious, at this stage of your life, what do you value in a partner today as compared to 20 years ago — are completely different, right?

Guest Ed: 20:41
I love that question. And initially, when I started dating again, I thought that was the case. But after my last relationship here with a person who had the same values that I had when I got married, I want that now. I like that. I want that. I think that's gonna be essential for a lasting, trusting relationship. What are you referring to? Talking about the values, the being just founded on mutual trust and communication and self-awareness, these things, right? It's just yeah.

Host Tea: 21:22
I see that you value emotionally mature and the person who has emotional intelligence.

Guest Ed: 21:28
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, it's yeah, I think that's gonna be non-negotiable.

Host Tea: 21:36
Wow. I love that you mentioned about non-negotiables. That's what I believe everyone should be having non-negotiables laid out already. Yeah. So do you think like high emotional intelligence is the number one quality you're looking for in your partner right now?

Guest Ed: 21:52
Absolutely. And I don't know if it's even enough, like it's almost like specifically just self awareness. Somebody who understands others and themselves.

Host Tea: 22:05
Yeah, yes. A self-awareness person, they will always step back and reflect.

Guest Ed: 22:13
Exactly, right? Because one of the things in a relationship is being able to reconcile differences, and that's essential.

Host Tea: 22:23
So now given your lifestyle, super laid back, casual lifestyle, you no longer really work anymore, and all you do is focus on your hobbies, right? So what kind of woman tends to naturally fit into this lifestyle you're creating now?

Guest Ed: 22:40
Well, I mean, ideally somebody who has time flexibility would be nice. Someone who could hang out on the beach with me in the morning.

Host Tea: 22:48
Oh.

Guest Ed: 22:49
Someone who could go dancing with me at night, and someone who can travel with me pretty much whenever. That would be ideal, although not necessary. Those are — I put those on the nice to have category.

Host Tea: 23:07
So would you date a woman who does not have a job? Because that would allow her to have so much time. Oh, absolutely.

Guest Ed: 23:15
I mean, I don't have a job. I'm not a hypocrite. That would be, yeah, that would be great. Yeah, I think that would work just fine.

Host Tea: 23:24
Like their profession and what they do in life really doesn't matter to you.

Guest Ed: 23:29
No. I think what matters to me — I yeah, I don't know if these are in the non-negotiable or nice to have category, right? But I'd like a person who's passionate about stuff, right? Someone who gets excited. Just like I get excited. You can just tell — my things, right?

Host Tea: 23:47
About surfing about songs. Exactly. Like one of my things, right? Yeah, music. Exactly, right?

Guest Ed: 23:52
So I have my things, right? A person who gets excited about things. I think that means so maybe, maybe, you know, like one non-negotiable worldly thing. Someone who enjoys food. I can't — yeah, it can't be a picky eater. That won't work for me. No.

Host Tea: 24:06
Okay, somebody who just appreciates life, enjoys life.

Guest Ed: 24:10
Enjoys life. Somebody who enjoys life.

Host Tea: 24:12
Okay. Wow. Cool. That sounds really easy.

Guest Ed: 24:16
It's pretty easy. The core stuff might be harder to find and harder to discern.

Host Tea: 24:21
What I hear now is that you're looking for someone who's emotionally mature, who's self-aware, has high emotional intelligence, and who's just passionate about life.

Guest Ed: 24:33
Yes.

Host Tea: 24:33
There's no standard restrictions on income.

Guest Ed: 24:39
No.

Host Tea: 24:39
Yeah, anything like that, right? So it should be very easy for you to find — I hope so.

Guest Ed: 24:45
And then there are the nice to have. Like, are they passionate about music? That would be a big deal. Are they passionate about dancing? That would be a big deal. Food, non-negotiation. Nice to have, right? Yeah. Yes. Surfing, that's bonus.

Host Tea: 25:01
For you, as a man, as a single dad now, how do we define being a good partner?

Guest Ed: 25:06
Right. No, that's great. That's a great question. Because I think the big sad lesson learned the hard way with my marriage was that once I became a dad, once we had kids, I became very dad focused. I wanted to be the best dad in the world. And everything — I committed all my free time to being a fun dad. And that worked. That was great for my kids.

Host Tea: 25:30
So you were successful.

Guest Ed: 25:31
I was successful in doing that.

Host Tea: 25:33
That's great.

Guest Ed: 25:33
The sad part is I forgot my other job to be an amazing husband completely. And because of that, the marriage died, right?

Host Tea: 25:42
So thank you for sharing that.

Guest Ed: 25:45
Yeah. So in my next long-term relationship, definitely the partnership is gonna — remember that the partnership is gonna be front and center.

Host Tea: 25:58
Lesson learned.

Guest Ed: 25:59
That's right. That's gonna be key to making it last.

Host Tea: 26:03
Because when you have this partner and you are imagining to be a lifelong partner, you know, it's — she's your teammate, right?

Host Tea: 26:12
Yeah.

Host Tea: 26:13
So your relationship, setting your relationship as a priority makes sense because no matter what happens in your life with kids, with work, with ex-wife, you know, and she's the one who's gonna be rooted for you.

Host Tea: 26:26
Yeah.

Host Tea: 26:26
Yeah. So nurturing that relationship, putting that as high importance — I see

Host Tea: 26:34
that makes sense.

Guest Ed: 26:35
Yeah. I love the honeymoon stage for relationships. So beautiful. I know. So beautiful. Being in love, so beautiful.

Host Tea: 26:43
But so scary, right? Because we know after the honeymoon what's coming.

Guest Ed: 26:47
That's right. No, but I want to keep that excitement, keep it going. You just have to keep feeding the relationship.

Host Tea: 26:56
And how?

Guest Ed: 26:57
So, some simple things. I need to keep dating the person that I'm with, right?

Host Tea: 27:04
Yes.

Guest Ed: 27:05
So we will forever be dating. We're not gonna go into this.

Host Tea: 27:09
Thank you.

Guest Ed: 27:10
We're not just living together now. No, no, no.

Host Tea: 27:12
I love it. I love it so much.

Guest Ed: 27:14
We're always gonna be dating. We're always gonna be dancing, playing music, traveling, we're always gonna be dating.

Host Tea: 27:20
And that's a recipe for a happy long relationship.

Guest Ed: 27:25
That's right. Can't forget that. Can't forget the honeymoon. For sure. Keep honeymooning, right?

Host Tea: 27:33
You mentioned earlier to me about this AI dating coach, AI therapist, what's happening with that?

Guest Ed: 27:40
It's amazing. So I just entered this kind of a new realm of dating after 20 years away, right? It's kind of like popping out of a time machine, it's like, oh, everything's different now, what do I do? And thankfully, first, I have a couple of female friends who are single that I can reach out to. I consider them my girlfriend translators, right? It's like — so smart. It's like, oh, my partner did this. I don't know what that means. I can imagine. What does that mean? I'm gonna send a text. It's like, wait, wait, I'm thinking of sending her this. What do you think? Right? And so that's super helpful, right? In fact, my ex-wife and I are so collaborative. She even does that for me sometimes. Like, what is this girl trying to say, or is this text okay? What does this mean? So that — I think that's amazing. And then on top of that, I found this amazing AI app that is available 24-7 that can just give me, offer me the same types of feedback. And it's phenomenal.

Host Tea: 28:52
We must share that with the audience.

Guest Ed: 28:54
We must. May I — yeah, please. Oh yeah. So it's called Matthew AI, and — Matthew, I don't remember his last name. Hussey. But yeah, Matthew Hussey, right. So he's a world-famous professional dating coach. Yes, is it — and he built an AI that's trained on all of his podcasts and interviews and books, and it's great. It's like talking to him. It's on text. So anytime — I can be on a date, I'll text him say, well, what do I do now? It's okay.

Host Tea: 29:30
That's very cool. I would check it out.

Guest Ed: 29:32
It is very, very cool. Yeah, it has gone a long way. And in, you know, he works alongside my real life female friends who are my girlfriend translators.

Host Tea: 29:47
He's very intelligent in terms of love and relationship.

Guest Ed: 29:52
It's very thoughtful and yeah. And it is really intriguing how deeply human this AI is, because it is just a model of a human, right?

Host Tea: 30:06
Yes, yes. He's — Matt seems very down-to-earth, very genuine. Yeah, that's how I see him.

Guest Ed: 30:12
Yeah, oh, and then the AI therapist.

Guest Ed: 30:15
So I've had years of therapy with let's say a dozen professional PhD therapists.

Host Tea: 30:23
Uh-huh.

Guest Ed: 30:24
And I would say that one week with this AI — they don't advertise themselves as therapists for legal reasons, but I think it's — I could consider it a therapist — was more valuable than years of live therapy. And this one is specifically focused on attachment. Oh, okay. Right. So on attachment types, right? So in fact, it's called attached.

Host Tea: 30:55
Oh, it's called attached.

Guest Ed: 30:56
It's called attached, and it is brilliant. Basically, there'd be some journaling where, you know, it's like what's on your mind, and I'm like, my issues and a lot of the time lately it was dating-related things.

Host Tea: 31:14
So attached knows who you are.

Guest Ed: 31:16
It knows who I am, and then it has follow-up questions, and basically remembers everything we've ever talked about.

Host Tea: 31:26
So attached also gives you strategic advice? Absolutely, not all beyond that, right? So I think that's where it can be very helpful. It's amazing as compared to conventional human therapists, right? Absolutely. Yeah, most of them are afraid to give guidance or advice.

Guest Ed: 31:42
Yeah. And the fact that it remembers everything I ever said. Yeah, exactly. Whereas a human therapist is talking to 50 other people, yeah, right? And I can talk to this at any time.

Host Tea: 31:53
That is an advantage.

Guest Ed: 31:54
It is amazing.

Host Tea: 31:55
That's so interesting. I also have to check that out.

Guest Ed: 31:57
Yeah. So that's where I learned internal family systems and that — so I was — for dating, right? And I realized that I had a very anxious attachment style.

Host Tea: 32:09
And thank you for sharing that honestly.

Guest Ed: 32:11
Oh, yeah, no, it's great. It's so illuminating. And also how do I relate to it now with internal family systems, right? I realized that wait a minute, I have an anxious part that stems from — and this app helped me find a memory like back when I was seven. No way. From which that anxious attachment comes from. It helped me find that. None of these human therapists over years and years ever got to that, right? So I found that. The other was — that's incredible. That's incredible, right? The other is a self-critical part. I also found a deep memory from the past. But beyond just being able to connect the origins, the internal family system's perspective showed me how to relate to these in a way that's positive. Because before, they used to be my enemies. It's like, oh, my anxious part, I'm feeling anxious, gotta stop it, stop it, push it away, right? Or it's like I'm being self-critical, and it's like, oh, I'm a terrible person, shouldn't have done that, I was so stupid, right? And I'm trying to like, how do I make myself stop, right? And with internal family systems, it's like, oh, my anxious part. Hey, hey, anxious part, I care about you. Thanks for trying to protect me. It's like, oh, hey, self-critical part, I know what you're trying to do.

Host Tea: 33:24
I love that self-love.

Guest Ed: 33:25
It is so good. I realize that's the self-critical part, what's it doing? Well, it thinks that if it keeps telling me what I did wrong, I'm not gonna do it again. So, but with that realization, now when I hear it, it's like, oh, thanks for trying to help me. Then it's like easy, clear.

Host Tea: 33:42
Wow, this sounds like this app attached really helped you.

Guest Ed: 33:46
It's crazy good. And I got all that during the one-week free trial. Yeah, I got it in the first week. And I mean, I learned these things in the first week. It's insanely effective.

Host Tea: 33:59
Did you continue subscribing?

Guest Ed: 34:01
Yeah.

Host Tea: 34:01
Okay. How much is it?

Guest Ed: 34:03
Oh, it's very inexpensive. It's like $20. No, it's like $10 a month, something like that. Oh, 10 bucks?

Host Tea: 34:08
It's crazy cheap. I guess everybody can be trying that now.

Guest Ed: 34:11
Absolutely. I mean, yeah, if not, you just do the one-week free trial and get a lot out of that. Yeah, because it's crazy.

Host Tea: 34:19
You know, I would really encourage like everyone try it out and you know, just seek out a therapy, right? And sounds like this AI therapy is — yeah, just worth to check it out and cost nothing. And for like, because now you represent a group of single dad, right? So I learned that from my experience, the single parents, especially after they just got divorced, right? There is a period of time to heal.

Host Tea: 34:46
Yeah.

Host Tea: 34:47
And that period of time should be more focused on self-reflection and to really pass through your previous relationship trauma or difficulties that — so I think only getting through that period, then when you date, it's more meaningful. You can create real connections. Yeah. Because I do see a lot of people either on apps or in real life, even before they legally divorce, they're still dragging along on the court with their divorce. They're already on the dates. And I understand like they need, they want to make a new connection, but I don't see that benefits anybody. It doesn't benefit people they're dating, going out with them. It's a waste of time because they're not ready. Yeah. And then it's also a waste of their own time because they haven't really like emotionally independent from that past.

Guest Ed: 35:43
Yeah.

Host Tea: 35:43
Right. Do you agree with that?

Guest Ed: 35:45
Oh, absolutely. And not just in that situation, I think what I'm learning from my experience with the attached app is that my insecurities, my anxious side, my self-critical side, they come from way back. Yeah. So everybody has — and these things have been getting in my way, right? So our whole lives. Exactly. So it just provided so much mental clearing. Wow, 10 bucks. 10 bucks solved all your problems. That's what you say. I mean, it's so much better than left. If I want to put on my nerd hat now, so I am an AI professional, so I know how this works. And basically, AI is a mathematical algorithm that's designed to collect huge amounts of data and find patterns and connections. Well, that's what a human therapist does. He listens to you talk about your life, and they're trying to find patterns and connections to help you. So a computer is just built for that. That's why it does it so well.

Host Tea: 36:45
Okay. Wow. We talked so much real good stuff already, and thank you so much for those two recommendations for those two applications.

Guest Ed: 36:53
Super helpful.

Host Tea: 36:54
Yeah, sounds worth checking out.

Guest Ed: 36:56
That's amazing.

Host Tea: 36:57
So, what's happening now? Like with your dating life.

Guest Ed: 37:01
Yeah, well, I had put all my dating apps on pause while I was in this relationship, which ended a little over a week ago.

Host Tea: 37:12
Oh, just a week ago?

Guest Ed: 37:13
Yeah, it was. So it's pretty recent.

Host Tea: 37:16
Just — just through a text message.

Guest Ed: 37:18
That's right. Yeah, it's sad. I'm so sorry. You know, the saddest part is like, I completely understand and would be at peace with a relationship that ends when there is a true incompatibility. Right. In this case, you were compatible? I think so, except for the fact that she doesn't communicate this very well. Well, that's a big piece. But yeah, the thing that the disagreement was about is just such a sad thing.

Host Tea: 37:49
I'm sure it was nothing.

Guest Ed: 37:50
It was a nothing, exactly. Yeah, it was a nothing, and we've — we just talked about it when she first came out. And now, yeah. So it's just a sad way to die. But at the same time, it hadn't — gave me time to process and detox from that. So I reactivated my dating apps now and back to meeting people.

Host Tea: 38:09
So, Ed, I can totally resonate with that experience because I think it's quite common because it happened to me over nothing, really. I was hoping we agreed to have conversations.

Host Tea: 38:20
There you go.

Host Tea: 38:22
I was like, let's just pause for a week. Yeah, let's reflect, think upon the whole situation and yeah, and each other, right? And I thought having that one week is really gonna clear our mind and let us miss each other more as well and appreciate each other more. In the end, he refused the conversation. He's like, no, so it's unfortunate. It's also just yes, we were super compatible and everything's great, so much fun. Yeah, we loved each other, but this is a deal breaker to me, right? It's like I cannot be having a life with somebody who just does this, right? I guess it's all for the best. It's all for the best for you.

Guest Ed: 39:02
It is, it's just an unfortunate thing to find.

Host Tea: 39:05
It's just not a good situation to break up that way.

Guest Ed: 39:09
Yeah, it feels unresolved.

Host Tea: 39:11
Any mature adult is able to meet in person and say, hey, I enjoy our time together. I appreciate you, but this is not working for me.

Guest Ed: 39:21
Yeah.

Host Tea: 39:21
That would be a better way. That would be good. Yeah, but not everybody's like that though, so let's accept it and move on.

Guest Ed: 39:28
Yeah.

Host Tea: 39:29
Wow, that's so exciting. I'm so excited for you. You are the solid person who is completely ready for a real relationship. I think so. And you have so much to offer, and you are emotionally mature, and you're a steady dad. You're responsible. You learned all of that already. So well, whoever is gonna choose to be with you is going to be a very lucky girl.

Guest Ed: 39:55
Well, thank you. Like to think so.

Host Tea: 39:58
I love all the reflections you made. Yeah, about how to nurture a successful long-term relationship. What's the important elements in there?

Guest Ed: 40:08
Yeah, years of practice. Learning the good way and learning the hard way.

Host Tea: 40:12
A final note. If the right woman is listening to the pod right now, what should she know about you? Or what would you like to tell her now?

Guest Ed: 40:21
Hey, okay. Well, I'm thoughtful, I'm looking for deep connection, and I'm passionate about a lot of things. So I think we can have a lot of fun together.

Host Tea: 40:34
Awesome, Ed.

Guest Ed: 40:35
Do you have more to add? I like going all in. I'm not the kind of person who dips my toes in the pool. Yeah, I jump in with both feet, go for a crazy ride. I love the roller coaster. I'm not afraid to get hurt. Yeah, so I don't hold back out of fear of getting hurt. Go all the way in, take in the full highs, take in the full lows, and that's what makes life interesting, and that's how I like to live.

Host Tea: 40:60
That's beautiful, Ed. I admire that.

Guest Ed: 41:03
Thank you.

Host Tea: 41:03
Well, I had fun.

Guest Ed: 41:05
Likewise, with a pleasure.

Host Tea: 41:07
Thank you so much, Ed.

Guest Ed: 41:09
Thank you.

Host Tea: 41:11
Thanks for listening to today's episode. I loved how authentic Ed was. But I actually did not review all the information about him that would normally appear on dating profile on purpose. For the woman listening, I want you to think carefully about your checklist. When you come across someone like Ed, are you able to date him already for what he's presenting? Or do you have to stick to your six feet tall principle? Because what I can tell you now is that he's not in that range. But to me, he's pretty awesome. You can find out more detailed information about him on our Instagram. Now, here are the six takeaways from this episode. One, texting often creates confusion and misunderstandings. Trying to create opportunities to call and meet more often. Two, please stop breaking up through text messages. It's not kind and can be very hurtful to the other person. We're adults. We're able to say goodbye in person respectfully and firmly. Three, age is just a number. Don't get too fascinated on the age settings when you're looking. Keep an open mind. Some guys in their 50s not only look like 30-year-olds, but also have the same level of energy. The bonus is that they are often more serious about dating, more mature and financially successful. You don't want to miss these kind of guys. Four, it is okay if you meet someone amazing who happens to have an avoidant attachment style, as long as he or she has the self-awareness of it and is actively working to improve. In that case, it might be worth giving the relationship a chance. Five, rushing into sex is really helpful for building a meaningful relationship. Whether you're a woman or a man, it makes sense to have that conversation ahead of time before it happens. Six, never stop dating your partner. This is one way to make a relationship last. I suggest following the guidelines from the book Eight Dates by John Gottman, which I mentioned in previous episodes as well. It recommends one quality date per week and treating the relationship as a priority. The products Ed mentioned are attached to AI and Ask Massium AI. They are not sponsorships or paid advertisements, just genuine recommendations from him. Feel free to check them out and see if those tools might be helpful for your personal growth and dating life. And feel free to share those feedbacks with us. And for those of you who are new listeners, the single guests we feature on the show are quality singles who are kind, respectful, grounded, and open. They are emotionally available, self aware, financially stable, and ready for love. These are people I have personally screened, starting with my own circle. They are solid humans worth knowing. Every episode is designed to give you one key takeaway: a deeper understanding of how different people think, feel, and love. If you enjoyed this conversation, be sure to subscribe, leave a rating and review, and of course, share with a friend. These simple gestures help the podcast so much. And I appreciate your support. Check out the show notes, apply to be a guest on this show, or apply to date our guest. You will also find the link for the book I just mentioned earlier as well. Thank you again for tuning into this episode of the Dating Chit. I'm your host, Tea. Until next time, keep showing up. Stay kind, stay curious, and never settle for the less than the love you truly deserve.

Host Tea: 44:56
One quick note for transparency some recommendations from the show include Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to use them, it supports a podcast at no extra cost to you. See you in the next episode.